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Strategies & Market Trends : The Rational Analyst -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Perfect Hedge who wrote (335)	2/22/1998 9:21:00 PM
From: HeyRainier	Respond to of 1720

[ On the Lighter Side... ] It's time to take a little break from all the trading and analyzing! On occasion, I would like to post some jokes (clean ones) to help lighten up the trading day. Here's the first: Practical Jokes for the Office: Prank #1: Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2: Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations. Prank #3: Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music. Prank #4: Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce <<In-duh-vidual>>, give me ten copies, no staple." Prank Reported: An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion. Another true tale from tech support: Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Induhvidual: "How do I know when It's ready? ------------------------------ Tips for Stupid People (induhviduals) from Dilbert's creator Scott Adams The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should help a lot. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. When the PC says, "Insert diskette &2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk &1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. ------------------------------ I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from Induhvidual: "How do they know what size screen I have?"