[ On the lighter side...]
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make
the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do
something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't
get any points for doing something she expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station...-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them
neatly by the curb.................................+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as
the truck pulls away...............................-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
You leave them under the bed............................-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light
panty liners with wings............................+5
But return with beer....................................-5
You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort
to Kleenex.........................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom...............................-2
You make the bed........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows..................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
It's her father........................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party....................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
chat with a college drinking buddy.................-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-6
Tiffany has implants....................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze
at her lovingly...................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol'
ball and chain," and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and
asks you if you think she is attractive, you say,
"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"......+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you
think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but
don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..................-6
That woman is her sister...............................-90
You have one drink, and that's it........................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango
with a poodle.....................................-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being
fingerprinted....................................-18
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together.............................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.......................................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
drive to a sports bar..............................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend
to like it.........................................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap
on a sectional......................................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
Most of it chips and beer...............................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting
the den...........................................+15
Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
Or adding a second floor...............................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom
wastebasket........................................-6
And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
You visit her parents...................................+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the
television..........................................-3
And the television is off...............................-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your
underwear..........................................-6
And you didn't even go to college......................-10
And it's not your underwear............................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner...............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted the colors of your favorite
team..............................................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a
guitar player......................................+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar
player and get up and sing.........................+4
And you stink...........................................+2
And you're not half bad.................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're
escorted out to much applause......................-2
You give her a gift......................................0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off
for months........................................+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a
gift that day.....................................-10
With her credit card...................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
You forget your anniversary............................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal.......................................-5
And the pal is happily married..........................-4
Or frighteningly single.................................-7
And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers....................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.............................-12
You get home at 3 am...................................-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and
cheap cigars......................................-30
And not wearing any pants............................-40
Is that a tattoo???.................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her
annoying work friends..............................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and
she comes home late...............................+10
You wait up............................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you
put her to bed....................................+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together....................................0
You rent a movie........................................+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with
Susan Sarandon)....................................+6
You take her to a movie you like........................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans and sheepdogs..............................-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for
the hell of it.....................................+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually
picked yourself...................................+10
And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts....................................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
Something she can't use................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces..............................-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
You lose the direction and end up getting
lost............................................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet
the locals up close and personal..................-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.......-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.............................-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over
30 minutes.........................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without
looking at the TV.................................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10 |
