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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jody Ritchie who wrote (158)	3/20/1998 6:12:00 PM
From: Vanni Resta	Respond to of 2733

Haiku Error Messages Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault ABORTED effort: Save and close all that you have. You ask way too much. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank. from Salon Magazine

To: Jody Ritchie who wrote (158)	3/27/1998 7:32:00 PM
From: Vanni Resta	Respond to of 2733

A man sat drinking in a bar lamenting the fact that his wife had just divorced him and taken him to the cleaners. The bartender felt so bad for him he gave him several free drinks. The man became unruly and yelled, "I HATE lawyers! All lawyers are BUTT HEADS!!!" A biker came over and beat the hell out of him. The man said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you're a lawyer." The biker said, "I'm not a lawyer - I'm a BUTT HEAD!!!"

To: Jody Ritchie who wrote (158)	4/9/1998 2:46:00 PM
From: Vanni Resta	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

>1. Why does a man have a clear conscience? >Because it's never used. > >2. Why are men so happy? >Because ignorance is bliss. > >4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, >who would reach the ground first? >The woman - the man would get lost. > >5. How are men like commercials? >You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both >last about 60 seconds. > >6. How do men exercise at the beach? >By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. > >9. What did God say after creating man? >>> I can do better. > >12. If men got pregnant Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers >would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. > >13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? >>> He had it bronzed. > >16. How do men sort their laundry? >>> "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable." > >17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it. > >19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 >think of? >>> Dating children. > >20. What should you give a man who has everything? >>> A woman to show him how to work it. > >21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? >>> To stop the snoring before it starts. > >22. Why don't men have mid-life crises? >>> They stay stuck in adolescence. > >23. How does a man show he's planning for the future? >He buys two cases of beer instead of one. (actually because I ask him to) > >24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? >>> At the circus the clowns don't talk. > >25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? >The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. > >26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? >>> Exchange him. > >27. Why do bachelors like smart women? >>> Because opposites attract. > >28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? >They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. > >29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? >After a year, the dog is still excited to see you > >30. What is the thinnest book in the world? >What Men Know About Women > >31. How do you get a man to exercise? >Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces. > >33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners? >So men can understand them. > >35. What's a man's idea of foreplay? >>> A half hour of begging. > >36. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? >>> We don't know. It's never happened. > >38. What is the difference between a man and a catfish? >>>One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. > >39. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? >>> To keep them from grazing. > >40. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? >>> Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions. >