**********OT**********
When are we going to pronounce the stock ass end?
Here is something to change the mood:
Dilbert Newsletter 19.0
---------------------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: March 1998
Highlights:
-------------------------------------------
- True Stories of Induhviduals
- Dilbert TV show next season
- Secrets of the universe
-------------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------------------
The DNRC is 185,000 members strong. To
put this huge number in perspective, it's
184,999 more than the total number of
Empire State Buildings! If Dogbert were
to conquer the planet today, we would each
have about 32,000 personal servants.
That's more than enough for garden care
and beverage service. That's enough servants
to build a pyramid for each and every member
of the DNRC. If you get together with a
few other DNRC members you'll have enough
servants to build something that will last
the ages, such as the Great Wall of Poughkeepsie.
Your large servant base will allow you to
get answers to many questions that are
currently going unanswered. For example,
let's say you're sitting around sipping
fine wine with other DNRC members and one
of you says, I wonder how many people it
would take to dig a Panama Canal-kinda-thing
in one year using only tiny trowels?
You don't have to endure the discomfort
of curiosity. Just order it done. Then
sit back and monitor the progress using
spy satellites that beam crisp pictures
to your TV wristwatch. Alternately, you
can just wait a year for the results.
There's no real reason for you to watch
people with tiny trowels on your wristwatch
television. Either way, when it's done,
you will have learned something new.
That's what counts.
The Next Dilbert Hardcover Book
-----------------------------------------------
The next Dilbert hardcover book is due
out in the Fall. I'm working on it now.
If you'd like to have your e-mail included
in it, I'm looking for brief and amusing
stories on these workplace topics:
- Best ways to manage your boss
- Best ways to entertain yourself at the
expense of co-workers
- Best ways to pretend to work
- Office pranks and practical jokes
Send them to scottadams@aol.com. I never
print names with the e-mail messages, so
you won't get famous or fired. Or compensated.
But you might get to say you were co-author
of a bestselling book. That sort of
thing looks good on a resume. This is
the same way Hemingway got started -- by
sending e-mail to cartoonists.
True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------------------
Anyone who is not a DNRC member is, by our
definition, an Induhvidual, destined to
become a personal servant after Dogbert's
takeover. The following allegedly true
reports of Induhviduals are a reminder
that the current system of government
can't last much longer.
Sighting #1
----------------
The company I work for has outdone itself
with its most recent Quality program.
The kickoff slogan was "Let's QAP it."
They also want to review all of our
processes and when a process meets
certain guidelines it will get a "QAP"
stamp of approval.
There are even QAP Champions for each
department. Everyone who has heard this
QAP has fallen over laughing and can't
believe that they are calling it that.
I guess they are calling it what it is.
Sighting #2
-----------------
My girlfriend and I just moved into a new
house together. Not knowing the schedule
for garbage pickup, she called the local
trash folks to get the information. Due
to a somewhat Induhvidualistic management
decision, even-numbered addresses in our
area get garbage pickup on one day, but
odd addresses get pickup on another day.
The receptionist asked my girlfriend for
her street address. My girlfriend gave it,
772, and the receptionist said, "Just a
moment." In the background could be heard,
"If the last number in an address is even,
that makes the whole number even, right?"
Sighting #3
-----------------
I'm standing in line at the P.O., and there's
a matronly lady in front of me at the counter.
She tells the clerk she wants to buy some
32 cent stamps. The clerk says he can give
her a book of 20 or a roll of 100. She asks,
"How much is the roll?" The clerk looks
at her and says, without a trace of sarcasm,
"Thirty-two dollars." Then the lady gasps
and says, "Thirty-two dollars? For STAMPS!?"
And we wonder why postal workers get disgruntled...
Sighting #4
-----------------
I was at a major chain store this weekend.
After finishing shopping, I was loading
my van with the products when an Induhvidual
stopped at the next car. She had a shopping
cart loaded with several large Rubbermaid
storage containers.
After successfully loading the first in
her trunk, she found the rest would not
fit. After placing one in her passenger
seat, she still had four or five left.
She started muttering to herself (very
loudly) about not being able to fit all
of these containers in her car. Noticing
that the containers had a taper to them,
I suggested she take the lids off, stack
them inside each other, and place the
lids in the open top. Her response was,
"Oh, can you do that?" I really wanted
to reply, "No, but I won't tell the cops
if you won't".
Sighting #5
----------------
Overheard at Walgreens drugstore in lower
San Francisco on Sunday:
Uptight woman rushes in and cuts in front
of me in line.
Woman: "Do you have the New York Times?"
Cashier: "Uh yeah, it's four hours ahead."
(substantial pause)
Woman: "It's THREE hours ahead, and I
mean the newspaper!"
Sighting #6
-----------------
Eight people in our office (250+ company)
work flextime schedule and must sign in
and out.
Today the black felt tip pen to sign the
timesheet log disappeared. The Induhvidual
replaced it, complaining and mumbling.
The new pen disappeared two hours later.
The Induhvidual then blurted out, "I'm
going to fingerprint the next pen that
disappears to find out who is taking it!!"
Sighting #7
----------------
A friend of mine is a street performer.
One night he was performing in Boston's
Fanueil Hall. When he got to the place
in his routine where he juggles flaming
torches, a cop came up to him and informed
him that he needed a special permit to
work with fire. My friend passed his
hand quickly through the flames and said,
"It's OK, this is just stage fire." The
cop was satisfied with this and walked off.
DNRC Solutions To Induhvidual-Caused Problems
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This field report tells you everything
you need to know about the quality of the
legal system:
A while back I got a subpoena for jury
duty. I received a form to fill out and
an envelope to send it back in. The form
said I had to send it back in the envelope,
but the envelope was too small. It also
said not to fold the form. So I solved
the problem by crumpling the form into a
little ball and smashing it flat with a
book. That was about four years ago and
I haven't been called to jury duty since.
Tech Support For Induhviduals
--------------------------------------------
This tech support tip is based on a true story:
Problem: My keyboard is missing all its keys!
Solution: Turn it over.
DNRC Wise-Ass Comments
------------------------------------------
Have you baffled an Induhvidual with your
wise and witty verbal skills? If so, let
me know. Here's a true report from a sharp
witted member:
When entering Australia, I was asked by
a customs official as a part of Port of
Entry Procedure, "Do you have a criminal
record?" I responded, "I didn't know you
still needed one to get in."
Cities Change Names
--------------------------------
In a previous Dilbert Newsletter I printed
an Induhvidual sighting involving a Wal-Mart
in Blacksburg, Virginia. Many people wrote
to tell me that there is no Wal-Mart in
Blacksburg. The closest one is in Christiansburg.
Since the original report came directly
from a DNRC member, there are only two
explanations:
1. A DNRC member is fallible.
or...
2. Blacksburg and Christiansburg have
switched names.
Obviously the cities switched names. I
do not know if Wal-Mart is behind this
deception, but I will research it further
and get back to each of you personally
with my answer.
Dilbert TV Show Next Season
--------------------------------------------
Dilbert will become an animated primetime
show for the UPN network sometime during
the 1998/99 season (date to be determined).
The Executive Producer is Larry Charles,
Emmy-winning writer from Seinfeld. More
recently he was Executive Producer of
Mad About You. The studio is Sony's
Columbia Pictures Television. I'm working
with Larry and his writing staff to create
the scripts. We'll have voices picked by
early April.
I know, I know, I know that many of you
will have strong feelings about the voices.
But I'll be personally involved with the
writing and voice casting, so you can be
sure that at least you'll get what the
author intends. The thing that matters
most is that the voices are consistent
with the personalities of the character.
Any voice will seem jarring at first, but
if we do this right, the feeling will
pass. That's the plan.
Recommended Reading
-----------------------------------
Many people who read my book, "The Dilbert
Future," wrote to ask about additional
reading on some of the strange topics I
mentioned in the last chapter. If you
haven't read the book, this will sound
strange, but the topics include Quantum
physics, psychic phenomena, and something
called affirmations. If you like that
kind of stuff, here are two books you have
to read:
"Schrodinger's Kittens and the Search for
Reality," by John Gribbin, Ph.D. It's about
quantum physics, time, space, and the nature
of reality. It's written for non-scientists.
If my discussion of the double slit experiment
interested you, here's where you can find
more on that and related topics.
"The Conscious Universe," by Dean Radin, Ph.D.
It's a comprehensive discussion of the
scientific study of psychic phenomena.
You'll be surprised at what the scientists
have found in controlled, replicable experiments.
Here are some books on the subject of
affirmations. I haven't read any of them.
These were suggested to me by Dilbert readers.
I offer them without opinion.
I think -- but I'm not certain -- that
the book on affirmations that I said I
couldn't remember the name of in "The Dilbert
Future," was "I Deserve Love," by Sondra
Ray. Subtitle: "How Affirmations Can Guide
You to Personal Fulfillment."
The two "classics" on the subject are
"Creative Visualization," by Shakti Gawain,
and "Think and Grow Rich," by Napoleon Hill.
Julia Cameron's recent books, "The Artist's
Way" (with Mark Bryan) and "The Vein of
Gold," have sections on the affirmations process.
Larry Block (the well known mystery writer)
has a long section on affirmations in his
"Write for Your Life."
Ideas For Dilbert
------------------------
Are you being victimized by a bizarre
company policy or fad? Do you have a
co-worker or boss with an annoying
personality defect? Let me know and maybe
you'll get your revenge by seeing it in
Dilbert. I'm at scottadams@aol.com.
Thanks!
Dilbert Product Information and Slashed Prices
--------------------------------------------------------------------
New in stores: A complete line of Dilbert
party goods from Creative Expressions.
Also look for notepads, memo slips, message
pads, inter-office envelopes and engineering
pads from Ampad, and meeting books and
address books from Cedco.
If you'd like information on any other
Dilbert-related products that are available,
send an e-mail message in the following
format:
Address: Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com
Subject Line: Products
Message: Products
You won't be put on any additional mailing
lists if you do that. You'll receive an
e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert
product, with phone numbers to call if you need
more information.
Or check out The Dilbert Zone Web site.
dilbert.com
You can go to the licensee area to see
a variety of Dilbert products. You can
also order selected Dilbert products,
including items sold exclusively online,
directly from the online Dilbert Store
at www.dilbert.com. The Spring Clearance
Sale is going on now until mid-April, with
prices slashed on many items and a free
mini Dilbert or mini Dogbert plush doll
with every order. Place your order now
while supplies last!
How to Subscribe Automatically
-----------------------------------------------
You can sign up for the free Dilbert
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Message: subscribe Dilbert_News Firstname Lastname
Don't include any other information.
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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com |
