Ice and all, this earnings report takes the cake!
Tuesday, April 28, 1998
Allied Chicanery
By Michael Dorsey (MiDorsey@aol.com)
Allied Chicanery Announces Results for
Q4
The Company is pleased to announce that its results
for the quarter just ended fail to meet even the most
modest projections of Wall Street analysts. While
acknowledging that some will view these results
with alarm, and may abandon shares of Allied by
the side of the road in small, badly woven baskets,
management feels that these results significantly
enhance our strategic position. After all, things can
hardly get worse.
Revenues for the quarter were 56,143.45
(expressed in thousands of $US), as opposed to Q4
1996 figures of 237.661 (expressed in metric short
tons). This includes a one-time charge incurred as
the result of a lawsuit settled this quarter, and
described in very small type in section 19.11,
Things We Would Have Left Out if Legally Allowed To Do So.
Net Income for the quarter was US$14.95 (expressed in passing), as opposed
to Q4 1996 Net Income of -- look, don't make us say it. Simply put, our
year-over-year results have gone end-over-end, and if this happens over and
over, the Company will be forced to seek further financing in the equity
markets by pointing over the shoulders of potential investors while looking
under their seats for dropped change. While our losses in this quarter leave us
with a reserve in operating capital that cannot be meaningfully expressed in
real numbers, the Company feels it prudent to point out that this creates a high
statistical probability of margin improvements in the following quarter
approaching infinity.
The bulk of losses occurred in our Southeast Asian markets. Given the current
turmoil in that region, the company would feel very funny if it posted gains in
that quarter, and has indeed taken considerable pains to connect all losses,
excesses of inventory, accounting anomalies and errors of judgment made
within living memory to activity in this part of the operation. The Company
feels strongly that any asynchronicity of returns in this region with respect to
other elements in the industry would indicate that the company had failed to
take timely advantage of opportunities to expose itself to sufficient risk in what
was, in Q1 and Q2, a very lucrative segment, and be justly viewed by the
investing public as demonstrating questionable taste and a poor team spirit.
Given the difficulties currently facing the collective economies of this region,
management feels confident that our shareholders will join us in saying, Well
out of that!
Robust losses in Southeast Asia, we strongly feel, demonstrate our
conservative policy of behaving just as the larger, better-financed corporations
all around us are doing. This strategy places us solidly in line with trends that
have historically created outstanding returns, both in this region and
throughout the world. Past performance is, of course, no indication of future
returns, which makes our stock about as good a bet as anyone else's.
Further, there is every reasonable expectation that efforts by the I.M.F. and
regional governments will succeed in restoring stability in this strategically
important part of the world without significant lasting damage to the
structures of patronage and propriety inherent throughout the Pacific Rim. For
this reason, management has taken the important decision to keep skeleton
crews of local employees sitting by the phone in dark, uncooled offices
throughout the region, barely breathing, waiting for messages from
government offices, or small, almost worthless presents to arrive in the mail
along with cryptically worded notes, signaling that conditions have returned to
normal. At the same time, we have withdrawn our highly skilled, well-paid
management teams to our main headquarters, and fired them. This
two-pronged approach, we feel, demonstrates management's dedication to
responding quickly to any problem which presents itself, without regard to the
efficacy or practicability of potential solutions.
Management has almost completed negotiations to acquire, or be acquired by,
for cash or stock or other consideration, a conglomerate whose name you
would recognize in a second. Pursuant to the Securities and Exchange Act of
1934, the Company is currently in a quiet period with regard to this
transaction, so we really shouldn't be saying anything, but just between us it's
a daisy, so load up now.
Finally, we have given long, hard thought to a suggestion made at last year's
meeting of shareholders that we stop manipulating holding corporations,
speculating in currency exchange and signing vague, long-term research
contracts with major international conglomerates, in short scrapping all
current projects, in favor of producing and selling a tangible product. Our
conclusion is that such a move at this time would be premature and prejudicial
to the value of both common and preferred stock. Should this decision
change, rest assured that you, as a value shareholder, will be the last to know.
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