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Technology Stocks : Microsoft - The Evil empire -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: ed who wrote (982)	5/26/1998 7:29:00 PM
From: Rusty Johnson	Respond to of 1600

"Doctor" Johnson's Rx for the Terminally Humor Impaired Funny bone just isn't funny anymore? Is your rectum putting pressure on your optic nerve? Just a general case of Optical Rectitus? Simply like to argue? Missing your high school debate team glory days? Do you find yourself singing, "If I Only Had a Brain" when nobody is around? The Informix thread loves you anyway. We're here to help. We want to encourage unpopular opinions, pessimism and even the most unpardonable of sins ... CHEERLEADING (and Rusty especially likes female cheerleaders). As a public service to the members of Silicon Investor and for the morale of the employees of Informix, "Dr." Rusty Johnson has put together this prescription for what ails you. Simply locate the symptom that best describes your malady and the good doctor will offer his advice. Are you . . . Run Down? Get some new batteries. The doctor prescribes: 1 800 Batteries powerexpress.com Plain Tired? A long pull on a good cup of coffee. The doctor prescribes: Etheopian Harrar from Starbucks or orleanscoffee.com No Coffee Mug? Buy a coffee mug. The doctor prescribes: Sun Microsystems JAVA mug corpstore.com Spaced Out? Join a far out organization. The doctor prescribes: The Planetary Society planetary.org A Manager? See "Spaced Out" or read some management books. The doctor prescribes: The expert . . . Dilbert. dilbert.com An Engineer? You're screwed. The Doctor prescribes: Boom Whale cs.uoregon.edu George Gobel's Liquid Oxygen BBQ ghg.ecn.purdue.edu (See three gallons of liquid oxygen burn up 40 lbs of charcoal in three seconds) Play miniature golf. pathfinder.com Go bowling. cocacola.com Play darts. pyramidbrew.com Missing Dec 25th? Think Santa! (If you believe in Santa) The doctor prescribes: Santa Goes Butt Boardin' Game ezone.com Reindeer Games blueplatypus.com Humorless? Visit David Letterman. The doctor prescribes: Dave's Website marketing.cbs.com Late Night T-shirt and Cap marketing.cbs.com Too Serious? Buy a rubber chicken. The doctor prescribes: Archie McPhee mcphee.com Need an Insult? Another website. The doctor prescribes: Insulting Sarcasm members.aol.com Sarcastic Criticism members.aol.com Uptight? Farts.com The doctor prescribes: Listen to the "Fart of the Day" or the "Squeek of the Week" farts.com Lonely? Read a good book or magazine. The doctor prescribes: Playboy playboy.com Unappreciated? Buy yourself something nice and very expensive. The doctor prescribes: Dean and Deluca dean-deluca.com Crabby? Try a good, hearty, well-balanced meal. The doctor prescribes: Two pints of Guinness guinness.ie Irritable? One word. CHOCOLATE! The doctor prescribes: Le Maison du Chocolate Paris, France For the High Crotch Set Phone: 1 212/744-7117 New York, NY Roger's rogerschocolates.com For Canadians name Roger Godiva godiva.com For the middle class Hershey's hersheys.com Be like Rusty Grumpy? Have a glass of wine. The doctor prescribes: Virtual Vineyards virtualvinyard.com Real Grumpy? Buy a fifth of scotch. The doctor prescribes: Macallan - 25 - year kiva.net Just Plain Mean? Buy a case of scotch. The doctor prescribes: The Scotch Malt Whiskey Society smws.com Hating Bill Gates? Join the crowd. The doctor prescribes: The Society for the Prevention of Gates Getting Everything galaxymall.com Warp Bill tiac.net The Bill Gates Wealth Clock webho.com Hate Windows 95? Join the crowd. The doctor prescribes: Red Hat Linux redhat.com Hate MS Office? Join the crowd. The doctor prescribes: Applix Office Suite applix.com Sick of Rusty? The LSI Logic thread on Silicon Investor. The doctor prescribes: Shane Forbes techstocks.com Tired of Idiots? Find intelligent beings. The doctor prescribes: Golden Retrievers kaycopy.com Married w/Children? The doctor usually recommends a disguise and a passport. In lieu of that: Find a good pub pubcrawler.com Daughter Pregnant? Two words . . . "subtle persuasion". (I don't condone violence, I understand it) The doctor prescribes: Beretta beretta.com Warning: Just a joke, don't kill anyone Tired of Reality? Make yourself a stiff drink. The doctor prescribes: Liquid Valium recipe psp.pair.com Anal Retentive? Drugs. (another joke, see a real doctor) The doctor recommends: The Valium Website. 167.217.6.11 Very Anal Retentive? Serious Valium. (don't try this at home . . . see a real doctor) The doctor recommends: The giving Valium rectally site. (Yes, there is a site. I can't make EVERYTHING up.) neuro.wustl.edu Are you all of the above? The doctor prescribes: BUY INFORMIX! techstocks.com Informix . . . just what the "Doctor" ordered. All Rights Reserved "Dr." Rusty Johnson, Curmudgeon Specialist