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Pastimes : Let's Talk About Our Feelings!!! -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Grainne who wrote (22384)	5/30/1998 5:50:00 PM
From: Hubert Few	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 108807

HiYa Gracie....in regards to the following: "My delight in discovering certainly that you are very much alive is tempered with my underlying concern about your general well being." Aw Shucks Maaam, twern't nuthin....I am so used to "firing from the hip" and seeing most everything I write intrepreted as negative and pessimistic that I do often lean toward the "dark side" and forget that this medium is so darned unforgiving. Truth is I am FINE!!! Not so much in the "screw you, have a nice day, how ya doing?" FINE, but more an underlying sense of purpose and renewed urgency in most all aspects of my life. I blow this off as pretty much inconsequential these days...the "writing" stuff I mean, whether it is here or occaisonally making career limiting and generally confusing statements to my comrades at the salt mine. I do not have TIME to figure out the fucked up problems that OTHERS have with me, about me, peripherally involving me or any of the other crap. I know that (especially in some circles at SI) I come off as a lunatic ego-maniac...but only because these folks do not know me in any real sense. The cancer deal has only sharpened my resolve to be a success if only in my own mind in several areas. There is not enough enough time to waste swimming in my various obsessive tendencies. I have an addictive/compulsive/obsessive personality and my various draining barrages of confetti-like literal insights/perspectives/delusions do nothing to further my number one concern. #1 you ask? That being a total committment to family and financial well-being. Hey lady, can I interest you in a term life insurance policy???? How bout some annuities? blah, blah, blah. Straight forward materialism is not gratifying in itself, but the increased time purchased by prioritizing what little freedom I have in this world to be who I am is a sweet dripping syrup that I greet with outstretched tongue and Pavlovian anticipation! So, to dance wildly around your question of "how am I doing" and to at some point digress to the original topic...now where was I? It doesn't matter...everyday is a new chance, a new game where all the rules are re-invented and discarded. To think that a "manic" like myself will ever attain "stability" in the sense that most mean it, is to truly suffer from delusional states that not even lithium will smooth over. My satellite is sending a request that I return to the all-consuming task of reorganizing my workshop. I have a house that is literally falling apart around me and 1,001 unfinished (but spectacularly envisioned) projects are waiting in the aisles. I will not answer directly your concern as to my physical well-being as I have decided that self-sacrifice and day-to-day strength of character go further than being a "cancer survivor" or suffering from "bipolar disorder" or any of a hundred blurred labels that only serve to make one miserable. In a purely "old world" and sexist fashion, I am learning the meaning of "being a man". Occaisonally I am so proud of myself and my cast iron balls that I lay them out on the table with a can of Brasso....giving my best Tim Allen grunts I ponder the significance of what a warrior is supposed to value in life! And really, when you think about it, we're a fairly crude and unsophisticated species. The most honorable among us (in my mind) are those who can realistically evaluate their surroundings, laugh a deep private laugh at our own stupidity and predictable nature, and then proceed to fuck with EVERYONE'S head simply because they can without malice or prejudice. Cheers!