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To: ViperChick Secret Agent 006.9 who wrote (46952)	6/27/1998 12:03:00 PM
From: ViperChick Secret Agent 006.9	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 58727

No wonder Windows 95 has so many bugs.... To: +wizzards wine (4186 ) From: +mph Friday, Jun 26 1998 11:44PM ET Reply # of 4188 A friend of mine sent me this. Those of you who work in large companies will surely appreciate it. > A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for > people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are > some of the submissions... > > 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using > individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and > employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote > from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.) > > 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. > (Lykes Lines Shipping) > > 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be > used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) > > 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important > interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) > > 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will > believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for > months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time > to tell them. (R&D > supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) > > 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only > needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she > couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell > Computers) > > 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." > (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) > > 8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled > for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to > miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change > her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping > executive, FTD Florists) > > 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to > discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines > Division) > > 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to > inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned > above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) > > 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a > project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He > said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for > it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) > > 12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to > prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In > the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" > used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the > executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that > the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I > asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia)? > working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her > demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR > manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his > dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me > not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire > staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the > local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I > resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo > by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) > > 13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a > large communications company: > "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on > current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative > ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent > Technologies)