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Pastimes : BARDonics (comical interpretation and perspective) -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Debra&Jeff who wrote (474)7/4/1998 9:47:00 AM
From: Ga Bard  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 733
 
You might be a redneck if...

...you have ever used lard in bed.
...you own more than 3 shirts with cut-off sleeves.Gulity
...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
...the primary color of your car is Bondo.
...directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
...you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
...you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
...you have a rag for a gas cap.BTDT
...the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
...you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be. BTDT
...you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
...you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For a good time call _______."
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
...you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
...you call the boss "dude."
...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.You are not a redneck if oyu understand this one
...you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
...you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
...you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window. BTDY
...anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...your family tree is a straight line.
...you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
...you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
...you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
...you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard. (I Like this one)
...you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
...you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars.BTDT
...your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
...you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
...you have a family reunion by watching America's Most Wanted..
...they have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.
...If you have cut your grass and found three junk cars
...If your ever had mental stress because NASCAR and wrestling are on at the smae time on different stations.
...If you get all dressed up inyour Sunday go to meeting clothes and go on a dinner date at the Waffle House.
...If the snuff, tobacco stains on your lips and teeth are blacker than your black eye.

GB



To: Debra&Jeff who wrote (474)7/12/1998 9:23:00 AM
From: Ga Bard  Read Replies (3) | Respond to of 733
 
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when
she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one
rein loops across the horse's back and around his genitals. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop.

Jacob: Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

Wife: He said the reflector is broken.

Jacob: I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

Wife: I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...



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