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Pastimes : BARDonics (comical interpretation and perspective) -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: grw5 who wrote (551)	7/21/1998 4:20:00 PM
From: Ga Bard	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 733

Badly Worded Signs Outside a jeweller's shop: Ears pierced while you wait Outside an electrical store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here! Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out In a dress shop window: Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken Outside a farm: Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself In the window of a dry cleaner's: Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours Road sign: Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries At the zoo: Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty. In an office: After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board On a church door: 'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.) Outside a furniture shop: Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship Sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? In a grocery shop: Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it In a Chinese restaurant: If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter Outside a farm: Cattle please close gate Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also Sign on a farm gate: Dogs found worrying will be shot In a restaurant: Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs. Outside a smart shop: No children aloud Seen outside a travel agency: Why don't you go away? Notice in a pet shop: Birds going cheep! Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome Sign in a picture shop: Let us put you in the picture and frame you In an electrical shop: Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you Sign at a garden fete: Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate In a cafe window: Waitresses required for breakfast Found in a butcher's shop: These scales are accurate no two weighs about it Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: You can always count on us Notice in restaurant: Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals Seen in an American department store at Christmas: Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas Seen at an American undertaker's: Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile Notice in a London park: No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK Seen in a Coventry Factory: Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order Sign in a chemist's shop: We dispense with accuracy Spotted in a garden centre: Up these steps for the sunken garden Sign on a newly painted bench: Wet paint. Watch it or wear it Seen in a watch shop: Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands Notice in the window of a fabric shop: Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged Road sign: Steeple Bumstead: Left 3 miles Right 3 miles Straight ahead 3 miles Sign outside pet shop: No dogs allowed Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms Notice in Keighley restaurant: From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables Seen outside a fire station: Fire Station - No Smoking Notice on Norfolk village shop: Half-day closing all day Wednesday Sign in London pizza parlour: Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m. Seen outside dancing academy: Please mind the steps Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car Circus poster: Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the World. In town all weak Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead: The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February at 7:00 p.m. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor Sign in a tea shop: Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00 Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive Seen in a college: This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish Notice in hairdresser's window: Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges Sign at the tennis club: Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet Spotted at the railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again Notice at the zoo: Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) Sign in office block: Lift out of order. Please use elevator Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left Notice in church hall: Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed by a light lunch Sign spoted in farmyard: Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below Sign in a Japanese hotel: Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers Sign in Swiss hotel: Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank! Sign in Italian hotel: Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager Sign in Australian hotel: In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter Sign in French hotel: In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid Sign outside a French cafe: Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming Sign in Egyptian hotel: If you require room service, please open door and shout, 'room service!'.