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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: P.S.N. who wrote (431)	7/21/1998 5:16:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Ole and Sven died and were sent to hell. After a while the devil came by and Ole and Sven were still wearing their winter gear and seemed comfortable. The devil asked why they weren't hot. Ole replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold, this is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the devil so he turned the thermostat up. A while later the devil again looked in on Ole and Sven. They were still wearing their winter gear. The devil questioned them on it again. Again Ole told the devil, "you have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it is very, very cold there, this is feeling real nice to us." The devil was even more mad this time, so he turned the thermostat all the way to the maximum temperature. The devil waited a little while longer and went back to Ole and Sven. This time they had only unzipped their coats but still had all the winter clothes on. The devil couldn't understand what was going on. Part of the punishment down there was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these guys. He asked them again what the deal was. Again, Ole told the devil, "we are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter, this is really great for Sven and me." A light flickered in the devils mind, he went to the thermostat and turned it as low as possible. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the devil came back and there were Ole and Sven sheering, giving each other high fives, happier than ever. The devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, "back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when hell freezes over!"

To: P.S.N. who wrote (431)	7/21/1998 5:18:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

The Arkansas Neighbor Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Arkansas as far from humanity as possible. Now, Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened the door and there was a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," said Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

To: P.S.N. who wrote (431)	7/21/1998 5:21:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

"The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary" 11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. 10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. 9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. 8. Bought Mac OS 8. Nothing we haven't stolen already. 7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. 5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! 4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. 1. Seventh day: rested.

To: P.S.N. who wrote (431)	9/15/1998 4:24:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Viagra A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."