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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/12/1998 4:38:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest on an airplane. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more times you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/12/1998 4:44:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers, --Take One (no offense Terry) (Part one of a seven part series. I'll give you the next one in return for one of yours.) A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:13:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:16:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:17:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:20:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:21:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

To: Terry Whitman who wrote (485)	8/13/1998 11:24:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Comprehending Engineers-Bonus An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.