Emile, sit down and stop antagonizing the other kids. And spit that gum out, I don't want to have to tell you again. You can have your water pistol back when school is out.
Here's your next lesson.
Please Allow Me to Introduce Mr. Claus
One Halloween, many years back, we had prepared popcorn balls for the Trick-or-Treaters. It's too bad that things have changed so much for Halloween. When I was a kid, we got candy apples, popcorn balls, and other homemade goodies. Now, the rule is: if it isn't sealed at the factory, throw it away, it might have razor blades or rat poison in it. But that's another lesson.
Where was I? Oh, yes. On Halloween night, we passed out the treats, just like we do every year. At one point, a kid came to the door by himself. This was unusual, as most of the kids came in groups. This kid was dressed up as Santa Claus. I thought it was a creative costume for Halloween. I tossed a popcorn ball into his bag-o'-treats, and to make a little joke, I said, "Well, if you are Santa Claus, I hope you remember me on Christmas!"
The kid said, "You have a learning disability, you dick. I don't want your stupid popcorn ball, I want cash. You have brain damage. Give me some money."
I recognized that voice immediately. It was little Tommy Torquemada. Tommy came from a broken home, and he had a tendency to cause trouble in the neighborhood. His dad was a psychiatrist before being murdered by one of his patients, and his mom was what we call in polite society, "looser than the average mom." She did her best, I suppose, and we all tried not to make things worse for her, as she was having enough trouble dealing with this kid of hers.
I smiled at little Tommy and said, "Tommy, I know it's you. Even if I didn't recognize you from your cordial greeting, [I was being a bit facetious, I couldn't help it,] I recognize your voice. I'm not going to give you any money, why don't you just enjoy the popcorn ball, and be on your way like a good little boy?"
He acted like he didn't hear me. He said, "You freak of nature, I'm not Tommy. Can't you see who I am, you blind moron? Who cares what you think? Everybody knows who Santa Claus is. Give me some cash, or I'm telling the cops that you don't believe in Santa Claus. You hate Santa Claus! Somebody should put you out of your misery, you brain-damaged piece of rat dung."
I told Tommy that he didn't sound much like Santa Claus, and he needed to look at his method of greeting neighbors. I told him he was a little prick, and told him not to come back to my house. Then, I grabbed my popcorn ball out of his treat bag, and slammed the door on the little rascal. He stood around for about 5 minutes and then wandered off. Several neighbors told me later that they had had a similar experience, and were shocked at the boy's rudeness. Most said they had called him names in frustration. As a matter of fact, we all felt bad about that part of it (that we had lost our temper and called him names).
The really weird part is that he did the same thing the next year, and the year after that. In fact, he did it 8 years in a row! Right up to the point where he graduated from high school! Same Santa costume, same rude behavior. We all knew what he was doing the second time around, so I didn't call him names, I just slammed the door on him. The third year, I set the dog on him. The year after that, I called the cops. You get the idea.
I found out years later that, unable to keep a steady job, he had taken up being a Santa Claus on the street, ringing a bell and asking for coins, and had gotten into a scuffle with another Santa. The other Santa had called him a phony, so he started a fight and hit the other Santa with his bell. But that's another lesson.
I realized a few things from little Tommy's Halloween hi-jinx. He seemed to have trouble getting a conversation moving if it wasn't going his way. I thought maybe he wasn't listening, or that maybe he had a hearing problem. Then I realized that perhaps he just was not aware of the consequences of his behavior. I mean, you don't get a candy apple from somebody you call a piece of rat dung, at least in our neighborhood.
Know what I mean, jelly bean?
That brings me to this lesson. How do ordinary people deal with the consequences of their actions? Tommy got cranky when I didn't go along with him and called me names. That upset me, so I called him a name back, and I felt bad about it. The neighbors felt bad about calling him names, too. They all just slammed the door on him the second time around. But let me tell you, that kid had a foul mouth. You could hear him cursing me as he walked away.
What have we learned? It's the old adage, "you can't catch flies with vinegar", right?
Simple enough, right?
You betcha! But later I realized something else. Tommy had come back again and again with his foul mouth. The neighbors felt bad about calling him names, but he didn't seem to follow the same social rule. Not only did he not get what he wanted, he kept pissing people off. I felt worse when I saw him walking up the driveway.
You remember we talked in Lesson Number 1 about Real Information? Let's see if we can use information to make a deduction about Tommy.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, (a little joke, ha ha) but there are only a few possible reasons why Tommy would continue this behavior for years, after he saw that all he was doing was pissing people off.
1. Perhaps he had no social skills, and was sadly lacking in manners. Maybe had some odd flaw that we couldn't understand. Maybe he was crazy.
This is possible. Perhaps the first Halloween, he may have noticed. One would assume, by the second Halloween, that he would notice. Can we make that assumption? But certainly, by the third Halloween, we can say that he should have noticed that his behavior was just pissing people off.
2. Perhaps he was doing it on purpose.
Perhaps he could see what he was doing, but he had different rules for behavior. Is that possible? I'm not talking about why he continued his rude behavior, I'm only talking about what we can learn from the fact that he continued it.
Well, he graduated from high school, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's not a pinhead. That gives less credence to #1. Let's look a little closer at #2. Let's look at this behavior from a "consequences" point of view. Certainly, we can see from the neighbors, that they all felt bad about calling him names. Every single one that I spoke to felt bad about that. Our conclusion would seem to be that some feeling of remorse would be what we might call the "correct" or "right" response when one has discovered that one has pissed someone else off. It seems, if I may be blunt, a "normal" response, even if you happen to be "correct", and the person deserves to be yelled at or whatever.
So even if we don't agree that Tommy was a little prick, we may agree on this point.
Are you with me here? Stop yapping, I'm not done yet.
The reasons why are not visible to observers. So we can't really use that as a "fact". Perhaps the reasons why somebody continues to hurt people long after they have had a chance to observe the consequences of their behavior is secondary to the fact that they continue the behavior despite the consequences to the people they are hurting.
What we can see in little Tommy is a boy that pisses people off, over and over, and has, it appears, no regard for the consequences of his behavior.
But let's look even closer. What were the results of Tommy's behavior? He made people feel worse. In fact, he made them feel bad enough so they did something they felt bad about. He continued the behavior far past the point where we might call it an "accident". Can we assume that Tommy could observe the results of his actions? I think we can.
Using the information we have, can we conclude that Tommy understood exactly what he was doing and was intentionally pissing people off in order to make them feel worse?
If so, then the only logical conclusion we can make is that Tommy was not following the same rule book as the rest of us. Unlike the rest of us, he actually wanted other people to feel worse. Despite any claim he may have made to the contrary, we can see that in fact, he must have had different rules. Could that be the real reason his behavior didn't make sense to the rest of us? We assumed he was working off the same rule book, and we were wrong.
This conclusion seems to fit the criteria we have set up for finding the truth. As a matter of fact, it totally explains Tommy's previously incomprehensible behavior, does it not?
By the way, you may have wondered if Tommy intentionally chose Santa Claus for his costume. That's another lesson.
Here is your homework assignment:
(and notice please that I am not talking about religion here, and I'm not saying anything about you personally. This lesson was about Tommy. So no yapping about Jews and Moslems and antichrists and nazis and communists and free speech and the rest of that silliness. Keep your essay on topic or I'll give you an F.)
300,000 words on the following topic (double points if you can whittle it down to one single word):
"If most people want to be happier, and little Tommy Torquemada intentionally makes people feel bad, what is little Tommy's behavior called?"
Your essay is due on Monday. Be here or be queer. (kidding, kidding)
|
