Pinky's Tailing Box: a weekly Wednesday feature of At a Bottom Now for
Gold...
OF PIE AND PREJUDICE...
Professor Silverton, it is my assertation that prejudice is a learned
behavior and therefore a product of environment.
I do protest such an observation Professor Goldstein. Prejudice is
obviously an innate aspect of the human condition and most assuredly a
product of heredity. But how might our opposing theories be properly put
to test?
DING DONG
Excuse me Dr, while I answer the door...er...Can I help you my good
fellows?
Moe: Yes, is this 18594 E. Charters Boulevard? We're here to apply for
jobs as lab assistants.
Goldstein: Indeed, what are your qualifications, gentlemen?
Curly: That ain't one of 'em, nyuk, nyuk.
Moe: Oops, I dropped a quarter.
Curly: I'll get it. Hey, it's only a nickle--you gyped me.
Moe: Oops, now I dropped my briefcase.
BOP!
Curly: Ooo! Ooo!
Moe: Pay attention peabrain! And I'll take my nickle back...
Larry: Hey, Indian giver...
Moe: Clam up Polack. I'm no welsher. SWAT
Curly: Oooo! But who's goin' ta get the nickle?
Larry: I know. Eenie meanie miny moe, catch a...
Goldstein: Er...if you applicants would wait one moment while I confer
with my associate...
Silverton: Are you thinking what I'm thinking Professor?
Goldstein: Quite. I propose in three months to educate these base
fellows and turn them from bigotted slobs into gentlemen of tolerance.
You on your side need only to test them once at a social function of
your choosing and find them wanting in any manner of intended
refinement.
Silverton: Agreed.
Goldstein: ...Er...my apologies for the delay boys, consider yourselves
employed.
Larry: Gee, that's swell. What are the particulars of the job
description?...That's college educated for, "What do we do?"
Moe: There's something in your eye, Porcupine.
Larry: In my eye? I don't feel anything Moe.
POKE!
Larry: Ow, ow.
Moe: How about now?
Goldstein: Let's just say you will be ginuea pigs of human progress.
$
THREE MONTHS LATER...
Goldstein: Gentlemen, I remind you that for your employment to continue
it is imperative that not one inflammatory, derogatory, or otherwise
discriminatory remark be uttered by any of you at tonight's UN social.
Epithets of race or gender are to be especially abhored. Just
remember--be broad-minded.
Curly: It's easy to be broad minded with all these dames around here,
nyuk, nyuk.
Moe: You know what this is chicken brain?
Curly: Soitenly, that's an ice pick for chopping cubes for the
punchbowl.
Moe: Then what's it doing in your nose?
Curly: Owowowowowwow!
Moe: Don't worry Doc, you can count on us.
Goldstein: You may mingle with the guests, but please be discreet.
$
Irish ambassador: A hundred thousand welcomes lads. Dr. Goldstein has
spoken much of you.
Curly: Hey Paddy, who's the goirl over there in the checkered skoirt you
was yacking to?
Irish Ambassador: Er...that's the Scottish ambassador. I'm intimately
acquainted with him as we're both of Celtic origin.
Curly: Sheesh, what a battleax...him? Ny-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h!
Larry: Ambassador, pay no attention to Curly; he's the black sheep of
the family.
Moe: You numbskull, you're inferring all sheep of color are morons and
giving them a Black Eye.
SMACK!
Larry: OUWWWW.
Moe: And you, lamebrain, one more word out of you and I'll do this, RAP!
This, BOP! And this, WAP!
Curly: Ahooow!
Larry: Boy Moe, you just gave Curly a real shiner.
Curly: Yeah Moe, looks like the pot's calling the kettle black, nyuk,
nyuk.
Moe: Excuse me gentlemen, I didn't mean to blacken your names...
Larry: Oh, that's okay Moe.
Curly: Yeah--we excuses ya.
Moe: ...Just your eyes.
SMACK! SMACK!
Larry, Curly: OWWWWWW.
Irish Ambassador: Don't trouble yourselves lads, we homo sapiens are a
flawed creation and quite prone to a mistake or two now and again. If
you will excuse me for a minute...
Curly: You hear what that crossdresser's chum just called us?
Moe: Listen...
Australian Ambassador: My wife Susan's main past-time is horticulture.
Ironically, when it comes to exhibiting her best bloomers, black-eyed
Susans are often the only result...
Moe: You hear that boys? He's such a chauvenist he beats his wife for
wearing bloomers.
Mexican Ambassador: Have you any recent agreements on the partitioning
of Cyprus?
Turkish Ambassador: No, we should never have invited Greece back so soon
to the bargaining table given their latest dispicable offer.
Moe: And this guy slurs Pedro over there right to his face.
English Ambassador: I find the current blackguard in Washington beneath
our contempt. Whitehall is obviously a superior governing body.
Larry: You hear that--this guy's down on black security guards and
thinks only whites should be in charge at city hall.
Senator Moynahan: One must admit that with the truth they have been
quite niggardly.
Moe: A Democrat using the "n" word--this is more serious than I thought
boys.
Canadian Ambassador: Perhaps the scandals will strengthen the splinter
opposition, Senator--what if Jessie Jackson once again throws his hat in
the ring?
Senator Moynahan: Dark horses as often as not shake up the status quo.
Curly: Yeah Moe, you hear what he just called the Reverend?
Moe: Something's amiss here fellahs and it's not the Scottish
Ambassador.
Ethiopean Ambassador: We should show proper discrimination and avoid
entirely such tangents in politics.
Nigerian Ambassador: The American president has truly turned out to be a
white elephant for his supporters. It is said he has even shunned his
own military.
Kenyan Ambassador: White feathers make for inferior leaders.
Larry: You catch that Moe? These colored clowns are as racist as those
white bozos.
Moe: Yeah, they think white leaders are featherbrains and they won't
vote for a gent just because he's tan.
Larry: And they're poking fun at our president just because he's white
and eats a lot of junk food.
Moe: Junk food eh? Gentlemen, you see that dessert table over there? You
know what our duty is...
Larry: To throw pie in the face of prejudice...
Moe: On my signal...let 'em have it boys.
Larry: A wife beater hey? SWOOSH!
Moe: No minorities at city hall eh? SWOOSH!
Curly: You think whites are chumps? SWOOSH! And this one's for the Rev!
SWOOSH!
Kenyan Ambassador: I've always wondered if it were actually true that
the English cook birds into their pies...
English Ambassador: I can assure you Old King Cole did not bake birds in
his pies..."pie birds" are little vents, sometimes carved in the shape
of a bird, placed in the pie to allow steam to escape from the inside
and keep it from boiling over. They also help support the crust. Pie
birds, I'm afraid, have never been known to fly...
SPLATTER! SPLATTER! SPLATTER!...
$$$
From the Tailing Box...
Whirlwinder:
You're buying Zappa again? You Polack! --O. Bleak
Dear O. Bleak:
PrOfits I will not LACK. --Whirlwind.
E-mail PMs questions/comments to whirlwindbuyszappa@mindless.com |
