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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: diddlysquatz who wrote (582)	9/16/1998 1:27:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Just wash, boil & serve! According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

To: diddlysquatz who wrote (582)	9/16/1998 1:58:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble 10. Sometimes sleeps in until after 6 a.m. 9. In the hayloft, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou Suck." 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses the slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

To: diddlysquatz who wrote (582)	9/16/1998 2:08:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Modern Medicine A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin." The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl and gets married. On their honeymoon night, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

To: diddlysquatz who wrote (582)	9/16/1998 2:26:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

A dirty British joke There was a young married couple who decided to invite one of their male single friends over for dinner. After dinner they retired to the living room where they proceeded to enjoy a few more glasses of wine and discuss various subjects. The couple made a few references about how most British people had numerous hangups about sex and about how they considered themselves very open about the subject. They not only considered themselves to be very open on the subject, but very openly admitted that they had no hangups whatsoever on the matter. The friend, having listened to their wine induced babble, looked at them and said, "You consider yourselves to be sexually liberated do you? I tell you what, I'll give you 500 pounds if you let me kiss your wife's breasts". Well to say the least, they were a little taken by surprise, but realized they were the ones that open their big mouths, and that also, they could use the extra money. After a brief discussion with one another, the recent bride proceeded to remove her blouse and then her bra to reveal a most beautiful set of firm young mounds. The single friend then placed his face between them and was heard saying, ...."Hmmm.... oh, ... are these nice ....Hmmmmm... so firm, so young ....Hmmmmm... etc. etc etc.". Well after a couple of minutes of this, the husband, to say the least, was getting a little impatient, and finally said, "...Will you hurry up and kiss 'em." The friend said, "......I'd like to,.... but I really can't afford it"