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Pastimes : Don't Ask Rambi -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: greenspirit who wrote (12709)	9/21/1998 8:05:00 PM
From: JF Quinnelly	Respond to of 71178

We know he's more likely to bring cigars than cigs, but this is certainly a movie Billy would enjoy.

To: greenspirit who wrote (12709)	9/22/1998 4:46:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Respond to of 71178

More e-mail humor News Release Christian Science Monitor, January 3, 2 A.D. Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as further allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal came to light when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to 'God's only begotten son' last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she 'had loved God for a long time,' that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was 'thrilled to have His child.' At a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that 'No sexual relationship existed' and that 'the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.' Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions on whether commandments may have been broken and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only by the sinister name "The Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as claims that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed to divert public attention from the question of whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in the Promised Country to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishment for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a 'get-tough-on-crime' plan consisting of a series of ten 'Commandments' which have been introduced in Congress by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the 'Name in Vain' Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.