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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (650)	9/24/1998 2:53:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

More Clinton humor... As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?" Q: What is the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A: A screwdriver turns in screws. Clinton screws interns! Q: Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? A: The spread eagle. A reporter asked Clinton one day: "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying: "No, she was on her knees." Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady. The Spelling Bee... Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word. Q: How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they are too busy screwing the President. Women in Washington, DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said, "not again." Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense ... Clinton NEVER told Monica to lie in deposition! He told her to lie in THIS position... Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks that Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (650)	9/24/1998 2:55:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Things to ponder ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. English Professor, Ohio University ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON HUMILITY To error is human, to moo bovine. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform. ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk. Stephen King ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in your office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATUR This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. Dorothy Parker ON EXPLANATION OF THE END One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (650)	9/24/1998 2:55:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (650)	9/24/1998 2:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

THE WISDOM OF THE AGES The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em! A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything! I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!" Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.