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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Capt who wrote (671)	9/28/1998 11:22:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

> A FEW GOOD LINES: > > What happens if you get scared half to death twice? > > Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery. > > If you can't convince them, confuse them. > > Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon! > > I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. > > How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? > > Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. > > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. > > A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. > > Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. > > There's no future in time travel. > > If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? > > Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface. > > Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. > > Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? > > Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines! > > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. > > Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. > > Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW! > > A good pun is it's own reword. > > Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor > > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? > > Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! > > For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

To: Capt who wrote (671)	9/28/1998 11:23:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 1. "Amen"

To: Capt who wrote (671)	9/28/1998 1:51:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two old ladies were sitting at the bus stop smoking cigarettes one day when it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and put it over the cigarette. The other old lady said "Wow, that's a great idea. What is that thing?" "It's a condom". Replied the old lady. "Wow- where can I get one of those?" "Oh, any drug store or grocery store." Replied the old lady. So the next day, the old woman went into a drug store. "Hi," she told the clerk," I would like some condoms please." The clerk was surprised at the age of the lady. "Um, what size?" Asked the clerk. And the old lady replied "Oh, one that would fit a Camel."