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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (702)	10/6/1998 1:59:00 PM
From: NAUGHTY NOTES	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training. * "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." * A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!" * We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above" * One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" * I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of cancelling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man. * To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that awaits you. * My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. * Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job." * My Boss is a lot like a single sperm: there is a one-in-three- million chance that he will ever become human! * Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." * How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." ********** Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn." 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith. 3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler. 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. and the Number One Sign Your Gramdparents are still sexually active..... 1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style. ************************************************************************* This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads" ************************************************************************* A kid comes home fro school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts." ************************************************************************