The 1998 Darwin Awards
>>
>> They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
>> Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did
>> the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed
>> in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
>>
>> As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some
>> candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this
>> event.
>>
>> The Darwin Awards Nominees
>>
>> 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
>> in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch
>> wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
>>
>> 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
>> "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally
>> jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>>
>> 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
>> had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers
>> said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
>> wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
>> afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
>>
>> People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
>> shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
>> Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
>> using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
>> people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>>
>> 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as
>> he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
>> burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
>> placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base
>> of his skull as he hit the floor.
>>
>> 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
>> 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey
>> Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not
>> penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
>>
>> 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in
>> Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would
>> not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
>> the trigger.
>>
>> 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,
>> 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
>> a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
>> snowmobiles.
>>
>> 8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff
>> near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that
>> marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in
>> 1990.
>>
>> 9. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
>> accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
>> flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
>> whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran
>> suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of
>> her right hand had been bitten off.
>>
>> Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
>> and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at
>> him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was
>> really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see.
>> Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."
>>
>> However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab,
>> running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical
>> Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning
>> Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made
>> her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock,
>> he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's
>> wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
>>
>> 10. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating
>> three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she
>> had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
>> herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
>> doctors' suspicions.
>>
>> Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or
>> gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one,
>> she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to
>> fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
>> Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
>> foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.
>>
>> 11. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
>> friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
>> bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of
>> traffic. The conversation grew more heated and a least 10 men
>> trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
>>
>> Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no
>> one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
>> volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near
>> the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
>> bridge.
>>
>> His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
>> foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
>> icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I
>> can say,"said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that
>> night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot
>> was never located.
>>
>> 12. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
>> robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the
>> fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
>> terminally stupid choices as listed below:
>>
>> 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
>> 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
>> portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
>> handguns in public places;
>> 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
>> patrol car parked at the front door;
>> 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
>> coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
>> would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
>> officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
>> gene pool. Several other customers also rew their guns, but didn't
>> fire. No one else was hurt.
>>
>> 13. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
>> decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff
>> and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
>> rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
>> clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He
>> jumped and fired the pistol.
>>
>> The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above
>> him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The
>> sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the
>> poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and
>> was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia.
>>
>>
>> DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
>>
>> (1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
>> millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
>> ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
>> in the head, fracturing his skull.
>>
>> (2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
>> out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
>> propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
>> floors of his house.
>>
>> (3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
>> September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
>> of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2
>> AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
>> window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
>> notice that the window was closed.
>>
>> (4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
>> festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.
>> This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
>> including one gored in the head nd one Bobbittized. Said one
>> participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
>> Morons."
>>
>>
>> AND THE WINNER IS....
>>
>> Japan Times -- April 16, 1997
>>
>> "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of
>> 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told
>> reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the
>> cream of Thailand's manhood."
>>
>> He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai
>> Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
>> "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
>> "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush
>> of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
>>
>>
>> It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He
>> started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't
>> exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going
>> to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.
>>
>> They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.
>> Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube
>> deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result,
>> he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.
>> One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display,
>> and started clapping.
>>
>> "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities.
>> "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system,
>> he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
>> something."
>>
>> "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
>> Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
>> hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
>>
>> Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed
>> Darwin Award recipient!
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