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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: okey who wrote (759)	10/9/1998 8:20:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

To: okey who wrote (759)	10/9/1998 8:21:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

BUMPER STICKERS Dyslexics have more fnu. Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. Anything free is worth what you pay for it Atheism is a non-prophet organization. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Editing is a rewording activity. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. My reality check just bounced. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

To: okey who wrote (759)	10/10/1998 10:23:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant 10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this. 9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". 8. How about paying us based on the success of the project? 7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. 6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. 5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. 4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. 3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. 2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. 1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

To: okey who wrote (759)	10/11/1998 11:53:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

To: okey who wrote (759)	10/12/1998 11:14:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Dear Doctor Science, Sometimes my computer flashes a message box that says "Serious Disk Error." Is there anything I should be doing to maintain my computer disks so this won't happen? -- Jim Rehm from San Jose, CA Diskettes of any size or density should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Any microscopic metal particles can be removed from the disk surface by waving a powerful magnet over the disk. If you need to "back up" your data, insert two disks into the drive at the same time. The data will automatically be written onto both disks. Never insert a disk upside down...or the data may fall out and get mixed up with the computer's insides. And, remember you can always recover lost data from any disk by typing the DOS command FORMAT /U. Good luck! ------------- CAUTION: For those who are seriously computer-illiterate, all of the above is a joke. under no circumstances should you try any of the suggested procedures.