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Politics : Bill Clinton Scandal - SANITY CHECK -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: jbe who wrote (9131)	10/14/1998 12:20:00 AM
From: Borzou Daragahi	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 67261

THE ULITIMATE PUNISHMENT FOR BILL CLINTON Y'know my friend jbe, I was thinking about that original post, and I think making Clinton appear on Oprah to confess his sins and answer questions from the audience--as opposed to the wrist-slap of a censure vote or the national trauma of an impeachment--doesn't quite measure up to the absurdity of this whole Monicagate pageant. So here's my counter proposal to Ford's post-State of the Nation rebuke: Take the whole bunch and force them to appear on an episode of the Jerry Springer Show! Audience: Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Announcer: And now, here's Jerry! Audience: Oooooh! Ooooh! Yeeaaahh! Jerry: Good afternoon everybody. By special act of Congress, today's show is called Presidents who cheat on their wives and the Christian fundamentalists who investigate them. My first guests are President Bill Clinton and Judge Kenneth Starr. [Bill and Ken enter from opposite sides of the stage. Immediately attack each other. Ken picks up chair and throws it at Bill. Bill ducks, evades, and tries to body slam Ken with his belly. Bodyguards climb on stage and attempt to hold the two apart. They lunge at each other one last time before they are calmed and seated.] Jerry: [shaking his head] Now, what's going on between you two? Bill: That Bible-waving sonufabitch pried open my private life in order to humiliate me! Ken: That pot-smoking, draft dodging sexual deviate subverted the U.S. constitution and violated the laws of this land! Jerry: Well, it sounds like you two have some differences. Let's see what the audience thinks. [Takes microphone over to attractive and slightly heavyset blond woman with big frizzy hair]. Woman: Hi Bill. I just wanted to say I think you're really cute and if I would really love to get to know you a little better... Bill: Well, darling, I think we could arrange something. Just go see one of those secret service agents cordoning off the area. There's also a side entrance at the White House... (Voice of Hillary): Bill!!!!! Bill: Oh no! Hillary: (walking on stage) I thought I told you no more womanizing! I can't believe you violated your sacred, unbreakable vow never to let the press know about our extramarital affairs! Jerry: Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentleman. Audience: Yeeeeaahh! Ooooh! Oooooh! You go girl! Kenneth: You're both a couple of sinners! I'm glad I investigated you! Hillary: Shut up, you ungrateful fool. If it wasn't for us you'd be an obscure dean of a preppy law school in Malibu. Bill: Hey, I like Malibu. That's where all those Hollywood babes... Hillary: You shut up, too! I can't believe you risked our place in history for a few blow jobs with that, that, that..... [In walks Monica] Whooooore! [Hillary attacks Monica, grabs her in a full nelson and begins choking her. Monica starts crying.] Monica: Help, me, Bill! Like, help me! I thought you, like, really loved me! Bill: I did not have sexual relations with that... Audience, Jerry, Ken, Hillary, Monica: SHUT UP BILL! [Monica sits down. Sobbing] Monica: Like, I can't believe I ruined the life of the only man I really ever loved. Woman in audience: Hillary, girlfriend, if I ever caught my man sneakin around with some cheap slut, I'd whoop his ass and charge up all his credit cards for a month. Audience: Yeeeeeahh! Male audience member: Yo, Monica, iffin all you ever wanted was some lovin, I got something for you right here [unzips his pants. Audience goes into an uproar]. Jerry: Now come on everybody! That's obscene. Linda: [walking on stage] I'll tell you what's obscene. I couldn't get more than $1 million advance for my book proposal. [Entire audience erupts, assaulting Linda first, then Bill, Hill, Monica, Ken and Jerry. President looks at camera, puts on his most faux sincere mask] Bill: My fellow Americans, I feel your pain. <eom>