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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: paul t who wrote (792)	10/20/1998 3:22:00 PM
From: paul t	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Life Insurance Exerpt from "Dick Gregory's Natural Diet for Folks Who Eat: Cookin' with Mother Nature" "...Probably not other group of people on the face of this earth spend more money on life insurance than we do in the United States. Did you ever stop and think that you have to be slightly stupid to buy life insurance? But just analyze this. You're betting the insurance company people that you're going to die. And they're betting you that you are going to live. And you're hoping they win. And they charge you."

To: paul t who wrote (792)	10/20/1998 8:01:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.-Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.-Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.-Age 10 Home is where the house is.-Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks.-Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him that we get buried under a bunch of dirt and that worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.-Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.-Age 11 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.-Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.-Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.-Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.-Age 15