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Pastimes : BARDonics (comical interpretation and perspective) -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Debra&Jeff who wrote (657)	10/29/1998 12:14:00 AM
From: Debra&Jeff	Respond to of 733

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited telephone sales calls: "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight." In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?" "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?" When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers." When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ." "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!" To a salesperson hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: "Do you get goat's blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?" Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!" To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.) Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb": 6-5-4-5 6-6-6 5-5-5 6-6-6. 6-5-4-5 6-6-6-6 5-5-6-5 4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4

To: Debra&Jeff who wrote (657)	10/29/1998 12:19:00 AM
From: Debra&Jeff	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 733

Job Ad Phrases Defined: Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday. Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities. Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year. Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. Public relations: Receptionist Professional appearance important: $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME Salary range $24,000 to $32,000 The salary is $24,000 Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions. Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem. B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary Civil service: This job was filled from the inside six months ago. Women & minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp. Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance. Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job. Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting. Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker. Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement. Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like. Salary negotiable We'll take the lowest bidder. Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more. Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage. Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people. Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people. Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell. Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell. Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.