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Pastimes : Stories, Sagas and Other Literary Inventions...;-}> -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Tomato who wrote (405)	4/10/1999 9:26:00 AM
From: Crocodile	Respond to of 408

THE REVENGE OF THE CEMENT GNOME (a III act play) *********** CAST OF CHARACTERS: Marina Delrey -- 31, yuppie, corporate lawyer. Paul Mall -- 32, yuppie, electronics engineer. Chris Amantra -- 26, salesman in concrete statuary yard. Flakey -- 7 days old, poorly-made flaking concrete gnome -- should have been Sneezy from the Seven Dwarves, but the mold releasing compound didn't work. Snowflake -- 7 days old, cement statue of Snow White. Another refugee from the mold releasing compound malfunction incident. Tom Atersbee -- 38, detective. Amy Crockett -- 35, investigative reporter for a nationally televised and highly-acclaimed newsmagazine show. *********** ACT I:** Escape to the "Outside" Setting: The sample display yard of "The Garden of Unearthly Delights" cement statuary company. A mini-van is parked with its sliding side door and back liftgate open. Marina, Paul and Chris discuss the price of a cement burro pulling a flower-cart planter. In the darkness to one side of the stage, Flakey and SnowFlake stand together next to a "reject heap" of fragmented statues. MARINA: OK. Let me get this straight. The medium-sized burro and cart is seventy-five dollars and the large one is ninety, right? CHRIS: (chewing on a wad of gum) Yep, I reckon you got that right, Pontiac. PAUL: (impatiently) Well, Marina... which one will it be. Maybe the smaller one. It will be easier to unload and drag across your parents' lawn, eh? MARINA: I don't know Paul. I don't want to seem cheap by giving them a small burro. After all, their neighbours have a very large cement pig about twenty feet from where the burro will be. You wouldn't want THAT to outshine the burro, would you? PAUL: I suppose you're right. Let's go for the big one then. Paul and Chris approach the burro in preparation for loading. Meanwhile, a spotlight gradually brightens to illuminate the "reject heap" on the edge of the stage. Unnoticed by the other cast, Flakey and Snowflake begin to come alive. FLAKEY: Snowflake...do you hear me? Wake up! I think we may just have our big chance to escape before we end up smashed apart by that thug and his big mallet (gestures towards Chris). SNOWFLAKE: What? Do you really think we have a chance? What's your plan? What will we do once we're on the "outside"?! FLAKEY: I dunno... but anything is better than staying here! Our time is running out. I think that lug may be planning to smash us to Kingdom Come later today! SNOWFLAKE: Ohhhhhhhhh! (quivers in fright) FLAKEY: And Hell! Who knows.. maybe we can find the dudes that made that crappy mold releasing compound that made us this way. HA! (shaking fist in the air). Then maybe we'll suit their asses off!!! FLAKEY: Look over there (gestures at the van). It looks like they're going to load that burro into the back. What say you and I just slip in through that side door and close it tight. Maybe they won't notice. SNOWFLAKE: Oh, I don't know.... Would that be right? FLAKEY: What have we got to lose? Our heads??!!! SNOWFLAKE: I guess you're right... Well, I guess I'm in. The cement statues slowly creep across the stage and climb into the van, gently closing the door behind them. Meanwhile, Paul and Chris struggle to load the burro, money changes hands, and the yuppies climb into their van. MARINA: Well, let's get out of here... These places... they're just SO tacky... especially those cement gnomes and other flakey crapola. a stifled growl may be heard from the passenger area of the van. PAUL: What was that?! MARINA: Probably just that Bacon McMuffin that you insisted on devouring on the way out here this morning... Come on, let's get going and get rid of this burro before it causes permanent damage to our springs. the van slowly rolls offstage. Stage lights dim END OF ACT I...