IOWAHAWK: GLENN BLASTS OFF AS PREZ GRANTS MORE DEM FANTASY WISHES
CNS/IowaHawk's Twisted News
10/29/31 IowaHawk
GLENN BLASTS OFF AS PREZ GRANTS MORE DEM FANTASY WISHES
By David Burge, the IowaHawk
Cape Canaveral, FL (APUPI): Senator John Glenn (D-OH), 77, blasted off this morning aboard the space shuttle Discovery, fulfilling a 35 year fantasy to return to space. President Clinton hailed the historic mission as “a dream come true,” and announced he would be fulfilling the fantasies of a number of other congressional Democrats under his new presidential “Make-a-Wish” program.
Despite ideal weather conditions and the absence of technical problems, the Discovery launch was delayed twice while Senator Glenn attempted to “make tinkle,” according to NASA spokeswoman Gwendolyn Havers.
“Plus, he's usually grumpy before he gets his bran muffin,” added Havers.
The fuselage of Discovery was specially decorated to commemorate the historic mission. Beneath the gigantic American flag, NASA had affixed 15 – foot tall bumper stickers reading “Spending My Children's Inheritance,” “I Love Bingo” and “Visit Branson MO.”
Within twenty minutes, Discovery had established earth orbit and Senator Glenn delivered a prepared statement to a world-wide television audience.
“Whee! Look at me! I'm space boy!” said the jubilant weightless Senator.
His glee was short lived when he was reprimanded by Mission Commander Lawrence Peterson for messing with the thermostat. Glenn defended his actions, complaining that “I'm cold, dag nabbit.” NASA Spokeswoman Havers explained that the mission “will provide critical scientific data on the properties of denture adhesives and adult bladder control undergarments in a zero-g force environment.”
She added that planned on-board experiments would “help scientists learn how to raise NASA budget appropriations, as well as sell more t-shirts and coffee mugs.”
On hand for the launch, President Clinton hailed Glenn as “a real life super space hero,” and urged all Americans to “focus all of their attention on Senator Glenn's exciting super rocketship adventures. He might even have to battle evil Ming the Merciless from planet Zarkon.”
The President took the occasion to announce that he had created a new presidential Make-a-Wish club, to “help other needy Democrats realize their fantasies.”
Early winners include Senator Carol Mosely-Braun (D-IL), a staunch defender of Mr. Clinton who faces an uphill re-election battle against Peter Fitzgerald. Next month, Senator Mosely-Braun will be flown to Milan on Air Force One to become a runway supermodel for the House of Armani spring line fashion show.
“Lookit me, I'm a fancy fashion model,” said the smiling Senator yesterday, strutting cutely in front of a full length mirror, wearing a feathered boa and comically oversized dress and shoes.
Another staunch Clinton supporter and ranking member of the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. John Conyers (D-MI), also received a Make-A-Wish grant. In December, The Department of Interior will construct a $42 million authentic Old West town in the Arizona desert, where Conyers will fulfill his boyhood dream of becoming a shoot-em-up cowboy.
The Interior Department is currently casting hundred of Hollywood actors and stuntmen to portray gun-slinging bad guys for Conyers' cowboy fantasy. “We are searching for applicants who are adept at making extremely cool death-dives from rooftops,” explained Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit.
Wearing a felt cowboy hat and a fringed vest, Conyers held a a late-afternoon press conference where he expressed pleasure at his selection. “Ka-pow! Pa-twing! Ka-Pow!” he exclaimed, playfully firing a toy six-shooter from behind the podium.
“Oooh, ya got me,” added Conyers, dropping to the floor in a dramatic mock death.
Conyers' fellow member of the Michigan House delegation, David Bonior, will receive a Make-A-Wish grant that will send him to the NFL.
Deputy Attorney General Eric Holder announced yesterday that the Justice Department had recently purchased the Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos for $178 million in an anti-trust settlement with the NFL, making Bonior's football dreams a reality.
“Today we traded John Elway to the Arizona Rattlers of the Arena Football League. We have instructed Coach Shanahan to install Mr. Bonior as the starting quarterback, effective immediately,” announced Holder.
The Bronco's first game with Bonior as signal caller will take place next Monday night, against the Rams of Norfolk, Nebraska High School. The game will be televised by ABC, which was recently purchased from Disney by the Commerce Department for $8.2 billion.
Bonior, a former backup QB at the University of Iowa in the 1960's, was jubilant at the news.
“Bonior fades back! Nobody is open! The clock has run out! What's this? Bonior's doing a naked bootleg! Holy Cow! Touchdowwwwwwn!” he exclaimed, making that cheering-crowd-sound thing with his open mouth while pantomiming a victory dance.
Also winning a presidential Make-A-Wish grant was Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). Under terms of a $30 million NEA grant, the Metropolitan Ballet Company of New York will name Frank Prima Ballerina next week. Like his fellow Democrats, Frank expressed gratitude for the grant.
“I'm a pwetty bawawina, and the cwowd is fwowing woses,” explained Frank, executing a piroutte.
“Encore, Encore,” he added, performing a graceful curtsey as he lifted the corners of his pink tutu.
Presidential spokesman Joe Lockhart denied that the Make-A-Wish grants we political paybacks for defending Mr. Clinton during congressional hearings.
“That's simply untrue,” said Lockhart during a brief Q & A yesterday. “These are humanitarian gestures.”
“What kind of heartless ogre would deny the dying a last wish?”
Copyright 1998, David Burge, the IowaHawk. Email IowaHawk_98@yahoo.com
Visit him at www.conservativenews.org and www.freerepublic.com
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