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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (862)	11/7/1998 9:23:00 AM
From: Monty Lenard	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

The French Fighter Pilot Pierre, a brave French World War I pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! Marie smiles and they start kissing. When things begin to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?!", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU DOING?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

To: treetopflier who wrote (862)	11/9/1998 7:34:00 AM
From: Monty Lenard	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

MEN FIGHT BACK > >How many men does it take to open a beer? >None. It should be opened by the time she brings it > >Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a >woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to >support you... > >Why do women have smaller feet than men? >So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. > >How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? >When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." > >How do you fix a woman's watch? >You don't. There's a clock on the stove! > >Why do men pass gas more than women? >Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. > >Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want >to shoot it... > >If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at >the front door, who do you let in first? >The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. > >All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell >them apart... > >What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? >A woman that won't do what she's told... > >I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. > >I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt >her... > >What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? >Divorced... > >Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. > >Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive > by 90%... Wedding cake... > >Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering... > >The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" >I said, "Dust!" > >In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man >and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has >rested... > >My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state >troopers and a dog... > >Why do men die before their wives? >They want to... > >What is the difference between a dog and a fox? >About 5 drinks... > >A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and >said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and >said,"God, I wish I had your willpower." > >Do you know the punishment for bigamy? >Two mothers-in-law... > >Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man >doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every >country, son... > >A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he >received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have >mine." > >The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget >it once... > >Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street >with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. >