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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (877)	11/12/1998 1:16:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

WORDS FROM WOMEN I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong How about ANY woman with Mike Tyson?????????????? I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. --- Carol Leifer I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman I think-therefore I'm single. --- Lizz Winstead When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --- Elayne Boosler I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --- Gilda Radner Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --- Maryon Pearson Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. --- Bella Abzug In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. --- Margaret Thatcher If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary. --- Margaret Atwood I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. --- Gloria Steinem Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. --- Gloria Steinem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --- Katharine Hepburn I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. --- Baroness Edith Summerskill If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? --- Linda Ellerbee I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. --- Zsa Zsa Gabor ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: treetopflier who wrote (877)	11/13/1998 8:08:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 2733

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A little boy is sitting on a curb with a can of turpentine next to him. A priest walks up to him, holding a small vial of holy water. The priest says, "This is the most powerful liquid on earth, son. If you rub this on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a boy.". The boy picks up his can of turpentine and replies, "That's NOTHING! If you rub THIS on a cat's ass, it will pass a motorcycle!".