NEWS FLASH: MICROSOFT, NETSCAPE FOUNDERS GET INTO THE RIOT ACT!
Thought you might enjoy this, Dan. (Needed a little discreet editing, though.)
Atlanta, GA - (Nov 11) - Jim Barksdale, co-founder of Netscape
Communications, and Bill Gates, co-founder of Microsoft Corporation,
announced, today, that they were joining forces to co-found a new national
chain of hi-tech riot schools catering to children of all ages and genders.
"It's time," a smiling Gates told reporters
at the joint press conference announcing
the venture, "to start training a great new
cutting-edge force of people who can
implement a well-organized world anarchy
where all popular culture machines are
swept away and there is no longer even a
candy bar wrapper or new fast food menu
selection left to kick around anymore."
But at that point Gates, apparently
overcome by the cognitive deep structure
of his very words, suddenly broke down and had to be consoled by Barksdale,
who told reporters, as he held the sobbing Microsoft CEO, "Apparently we have
striven too hard to differentiate ourselves through improved customer relations,
and have perhaps been over-zealous in pursuit of, like, how there is no emotion,
no bodily function, no fragment of an idea, no molecule, and no neutrino that
could not and should not be turned into a <bleeping> revenue stream. Yesterday."
But then Barksdale himself broke down and had to be consoled by Netscape
co-founder, Marc Andreesen, who told reporters, as he held the sobbing
Barksdale who still held the sobbing Gates, "Simply stated, gentlemen, we have
learned that our value proposition is up its ass and have thus all become greatly
disillusioned with the day to day civilizational bulls**t where, as you know, all
product is for entertainment purposes only and should not, in any way, be sucked
dry of its erotic content for informational purposes or for purposes of
understanding. Anything."
The Riot schools will train students to rise up en masse and go crazy, pouring
into the streets in tightly coordinated ways, all linked together by wireless and
satellite communications technologies which even the fall of all civilization will
not disrupt.
"We will train these rioters," Andreesen told reporters, "to believe they have no
peers. And, because they have no peers, they will also have no peer pressure
and will, therefore, be willing and able to walk onto any stage, at any time,
anywhere, and either take over completely or, if not, at least piss on everybody
gracefully and exit, stage right, unharmed."
But as he spoke, Andreesen's voice cracked, and he also began sobbing
uncontrollably and had to be consoled by Microsoft president, Steve Ballmer,
who complained to reporters how "even though science will never understand
enough, it has already revealed too much -- so now everybody knows what a
piece of s**t the world is."
At which point Ballmer, too, broke down sobbing. "There's only 2 jobs at this
carnival, gentlemen," he sobbed, "and if you're not PT Barnum, then you better
start praying you're not allergic to poultry."
And the press conference was over.
c3f.com
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