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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (957)	11/29/1998 11:53:00 AM
From: Pami	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Barney! LOL! But, where did you get a copy of my paycheck?? NEW POLICY AT OUR SCHOOL: In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective at the beginning of next month, a restroom trip policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee rest room time and insuring equal treatment to all employees. Under the policy, a "rest room trip bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) restroom credits. these credits may be accumulated. Within two weeks, the entrance door to all rest rooms will be equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the first month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during this period. If the employees rest room trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all rest rooms stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will automatically be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy please contact your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter -pam -

To: Barney who wrote (957)	11/30/1998 1:01:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

10 Things that Piss me off!,......... by George Carlin (warning - expletives not deleted cuz its Carlin after all) 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no Dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat someone else's cake instead? 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for? 7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! 8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? 9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.