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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (973)	12/1/1998 4:26:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

The following are excerpts from various American medical journals...most of which are pretty sick, but all are true. INNER SKELETON A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Racife, Brazil, suffering from abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside her womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA A 500 LB woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasks, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH A couple hobbled into a Washington emeragency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had her around her head. They eventually explained to the doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. BABY CHICKEN A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room > complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby. SEX EDUCATION A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. Later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No, who?" BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. GROWING SEASON An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had a rat in her vagina and it bit him during sex. After examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. LAST STAND A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last. JUICY LUCY In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter" she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she has used, she replied, "Grape." BRUSH AFTER MEALS A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body. CALL THE BUM SQUAD A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still alive. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed. KLINGONS AROUND URANUS A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed......along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.