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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1014)	12/9/1998 1:57:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now." ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Barney who wrote (1014)	12/9/1998 1:58:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Barney who wrote (1014)	12/9/1998 1:59:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Barney who wrote (1014)	12/9/1998 2:01:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

How many of you remember Kip Adonna's recording of the following? ________________________ It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal." While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, "Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ she drank a lot. I said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight - I got a haddock". She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!" What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon". Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Barney who wrote (1014)	12/9/1998 2:03:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Attending A College Football Game A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\