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Politics : Bill Clinton Scandal - SANITY CHECK -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Bill who wrote (23530)	12/21/1998 12:27:00 PM
From: Les H	Respond to of 67261

News Bulletin from the Future: July 8, 1999 The sound of a million soufflés falling reverberated through France, as President Clinton startled the world yesterday afternoon by announcing that combined Canadian, British and American forces had begun air strikes against our former ally. At a press conference explaining the urgency of our mission, Clinton spoke movingly of the thousands of horrible encounters Americans had endured with snooty French waiters. Many of the reporters present asked the President whether the timing of the attack wasn't suspicious, given that the Senate was about to deliver their verdict in his impeachment trial. "The timing of this attack," he said, "has nothing to do with the upcoming vote in the Senate. We felt it was urgent to begin this attack before Bastille Day -- to attack during that sacred day would have been a grave insult to the French leaders. And we want to make perfectly clear to those leaders that our dispute is not with them, but with the French people themselves. I mean, can't they just get over that superior attitude?" "We have given the French people many warnings about their intolerable behavior, and we clearly told them that the previous warning would be the last. Their only response was to commence reading all 27,000 pages of Proust's The Remembrance of Things Past over the French government radio station in North America, Radio l'Américains Soient Imbéciles, which broadcasts from the island colony of Saint Pierre and Miquelon." Clinton went on to explain that because of the nature of the dispute, military targets were right out. The Allied forces would, instead, seek to degrade France's capability to produce waiters, incomprehensible films, and dainty little pastries that no one else can get right. Analysts felt that the surprising decision of the Canadians to join in the attack was an effort to please secession-minded Quebec. Pierre LeMalodorant, a spokesperson from La Société Québécois très Enragé avec la France, said: "When I was in Paris, I would speak ze French to them, and they would say, 'What? Can you please try English?' And I would tell zem, 'But I speak ze French all my life, you sons of muskrats.' They are impossible!" Actor and Democratic strategist Alec Baldwin held a rally to support the President's policy. "Hey, these are the same people that are so barbaric to geese. They deserve a good carpet-bombing. Christ, if Marcel Marceau lived in a civilized country, he'd be stoned to death. Look at the damage he's done to Central Park, inspiring all those stupid mimes. And if you tell him this to his face, he doesn't say a thing -- just pretends that he's walking against a fierce wind you're blowing at him. God, I'd like to get a few fat lines in me and go after that jerk." A Time/CNN poll taken immediately after the announcement revealed that: 48% of Americans approved of the attack; 25% said that they believed that the President would attack Iowa if a couple more undecided Senators turned against him; and 27% said that they did not think that France is a real country. When reached for his comment, "the voice of middle America," Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, told reporters, "We'll shove that radical deconstructionist claptrap up their fancy-pants derrieres. This will teach them a thing or two about whether reality is merely a social construct." Finally, we've received conflicting stories from Paris. Initially, sources told us that France would demand that we return the Statue of Liberty and stop eating French fries. However, hours later, we learned that the government was on the verge of surrender, and would offer to setup a puppet government of French collaborators, who would be happy to govern at the whim of the allies. © 1998, Gene Callahan, Stu Morgenstern Contributing Editors