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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (1141)	1/13/1999 12:01:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

To: Jack Colton who wrote (1141)	1/13/1999 12:03:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

To: Jack Colton who wrote (1141)	1/13/1999 12:05:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that wonderful quiz show Family Feud. ______________________ Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name a dangerous race - The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Name a famous royal - Mail A number you have to memorize - 7 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A con man A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish A food that can be brown or white - Potato A jacket potato topping - Jam A famous Scotsman - Jock Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones Something with a hole in it - Window A non living object with legs - Plant A domestic animal - Leopard A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee A way of cooking fish - Cod Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Jack Colton who wrote (1141)	1/13/1999 12:07:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

This is from an actual trial in the UK. > > A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she > noticed a young man smiling at her, and she began feeling humiliated > on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more > amused. > > She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She > had him arrested. > > The case came before the court, and the young man was asked why he > acted in such a manner. His reply was: > > When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was > pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The > Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments > Remove Swelling". > > I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement > which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". > > Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she > sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber > would have prevented this accident."