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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"I have six locks on my door all in a row," explained comic Elayne Boosler. "When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:06:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Here are some real "Warning Labels" and "Packaging Instructions": ON ''TESCO'S'' TIRIMISU DESSERT (from Great Britian) Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON ''MARKS & SPENCER'' BREAD PUDDING Product will be hot after heating. ON PACKAGING FOR A ''ROWENTA'' STEAM IRON Do not Iron clothes on body. ON ''BOOTS'' CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE Do not drive car or operate machinery. ON ''SAINSBURY'S'' PEANUTS Warning: contains nuts. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE Warning: keep out of children. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS For indoor or outdoor use only. ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A ''CANON'' CAMERA (circa 1966) "Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button." ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR Not to be used for the other use. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX Fits one head. ON A HAIRDRYER Do not use while sleeping. ON ''NYTOL'' (A SLEEPING AID) (U.S.) Warning: may cause drowsiness. ON AN ''AMERICAN AIRLINES'' PACKET OF NUTS Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A BAR OF ''DIAL'' SOAP Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A PACKET OF ''SUN-MAID'' RAISINS Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal? ****** And the current #1 choice************ ON A BAG OF ''FRITOS'' You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ========================================================== A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners: 4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. 3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out. 2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate. 1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah, the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells. GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:08:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The Rules Of Writing 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:09:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A man entered a pun contest sponsored by the local newspaper. He picked his best ten puns and sent them all in, certain that one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:13:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Dave Barry's 17 things it took him 50 years to learn: 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle, or in some cases really bad make-up too. 12. You should not confuse your career with your life. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 16. Your friends love you anyway. 17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:17:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The Penis Tax.............. The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the time it's hard up, 10% of the time it's in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependents, and they're both nuts. Accordingly, starting January 1, 1999, penises will be taxed according to size! To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form. 10 to 12 inches................Luxury Tax...............$50.00 8 to 10 inches.................Pole Tax..................$30.00 6 to 8 inches...................Privilege Tax............$15.00 4 to 6 inches...................Nuisance Tax.......... $5.00 PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENTION ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ***** Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains Sincerely, Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1148)	1/15/1999 12:22:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. >> >> > What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. >> >> > What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. >> >> > What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. >> >> > Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. >> >> > How do you double the value of a Yugo? You fill it with gas. >> >> > What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a Bronco. >> >> > Have you heard George Michael's new song? It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go. >> >> > I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double - The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. >> >> > What is forty foot long and has eight teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. >> >> > What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. >> >> > What's the weather like in Tahoe? Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. >> >> > Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. >> >> > What is 8 straight days of oral sex? Hanukkah Lewinsky. >>