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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1158)	1/16/1999 10:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

An elderly woman walked into the head branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhatten Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right at $3million, he phoned the Persident to make the appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introduction were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did businness with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance ?" he asked. "No" she answered "Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired. "No", She replied He was quite for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money. "I won it by betting" she stated. "As in horses?" "No", she replied, "I bet on people" Seeing his confusion, she explaned that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing ? At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explaned to the President that he was her Lawyer and always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake. "Well", she asked,"What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this",he answered,"But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and drooped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him ?", he asked. "Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1158)	1/16/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1158)	1/16/1999 10:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Some Great Short Humor Pieces... The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're damn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill? It ran out of juice! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could have a chance to drive! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL thi stuff you'll never use in the real world. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Which animals did Noah not take on the ark in pairs? Worms! They went on in apples. What veggie did Noah not take on the Ark? Leeks <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the kids! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I was just wondering......if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father fhadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling," the woman replies sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? NOBODY KNOWS! ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\