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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1247)	1/27/1999 11:27:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"A Flag As A Tax Symbol?" A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "Oh, that's the same with us," nodded the American, "Only we see stars, too!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list..." Don't you wish you could do that? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How To Annoy The IRS (Without Getting In Trouble!)" Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money... 1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side. 2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). 3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. 4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. 5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on. 6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack. 7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. 8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. 9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. 10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1247)	1/27/1999 11:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Subject: Humor: Darwin LATEST DARWIN AWARDS... A 27 year old woman from France lost control over her car on a Highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree seriously injuring her co-driver and killing herself. Accidents like this occur quite often and usually don't qualify for a Darwin Award nomination. This accident is special because the drivers attention for the road was distracted by her Tamagotchi which hang on the car keys and beeped for food. Wanting to save the Tamagotchis life the French woman ignored the road and killed herself. >------ Apparently, in Brazil, 3 people were flying in a plane at low altitude, when another plane approached. For a lark, they decided to "moon" the other plane. Somehow, in the execution of this maneuver, they lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead with their pants around their ankles. >------ In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him and his sister. >------ A recent suicide was found as follows: 34 yr. old white male found in the basement of his home died of suffocation. He was approximately 6'2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a school girls uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden piece of a bed post approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. It was difficult to explain the circumstances of his death to his family members. >------ A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was and still is dead) the police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would put his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between 2 ELECTRIC SANDERS (with out the sand paper obviously). According to the story, after he had his orgasm the, ahem, discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him to death. >-------- Man eats too much rice in Oklahoma and his stomach explodes. Police say he may have been eating pop-rocks (along with the rice), and his fate became similar to the Life Cereal poster boy, Mikey, who died from eating the candy in the early 80's. Perhaps it was the combination of rice and pop-rocks which made the man's stomach explode. The man was also found with rice up his corn hole.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1247)	1/27/1999 11:46:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

"Be Happy Where You Are" Sadly, many of us continually postpone our happiness - indefinitely. It's not that we consciously set out to do so, but that we keep convincing ourselves, "Someday I'll be happy." We tell ourselves we'll be happy when our bills are paid, when we get out of school, get our first job, a promotion. We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D'Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. .... and remember that time waits for no one... Yesterday is history Tomorrow a mystery Today is a gift That's why it's called the present!