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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1253)	1/28/1999 10:30:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: NASTY, NASTY DISNEY TWISTED DISNEY Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter,something or other...." _______________________________________________________ Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch? __________________________________________________________ Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!" __________________________________________________________ Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" ________________________________________________________ Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is f****** Goofy." __________________________________________________ Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

To: Barney who wrote (1253)	1/28/1999 10:36:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS * As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. * I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. * I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. * I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. * In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. * Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. * My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. * I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. * Joan of Arc heard voices too. * I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. * I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. * As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. * When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. * The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. * As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. * All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. * I am at one with my duality. * Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. * I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday. * Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. * I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. * Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." * False hope is nicer than no hope at all. * A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. * Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. * Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. * Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? * The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. * I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. * Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. * To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. * I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\