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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:41:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Its always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should know... Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:43:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," he immediately replied. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you most likely have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! "I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" he said. The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example," said the first redneck, "Do ya own a weedeater?" "No," his friend replied. "Fag."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:47:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:49:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter to whom he poses the question, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,"What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say, Sem Ting."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:51:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from a man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man. "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:52:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Three older gentlemen were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "You know, sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second old guy chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood" and he raps his knuckles on the table. Then he tells them, "That must be the door - I'll get it."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1258)	1/29/1999 8:54:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

One Liners from Stephen Wright Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. So what's the speed of dark? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.