Subject: More Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on.
Now everything in my house is shiny.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...
the tires got dizzy...
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney.."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.
Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in
a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?'
He said 'I don't know'.
I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
I was an only child........ eventually....."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to
on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his
money? .. He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included...
so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key
in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the
whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman
stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size...
it says one mile equals one mile."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will
be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday,
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...
it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said "the whole time".
One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights.
Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter
sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
What's another word for thesaurus?
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said "Didn't you see the stop sign."
I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like
a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants;
but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone.
A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I just bought a microwave fireplace...
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
I was going to commit suicide the other day.
I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"
I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.
Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think
'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of
widths.
I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...
so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes.
When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first
I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"
They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old."
I said, "I'll wait..."
I woke up one morning and looked around the room.
Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't
tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...
It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause
I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in
after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...
I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds
blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and
said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan
director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17
payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu ja de ..
deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs,
and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower
on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown
and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many
people ask me if I'm leaving.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one --
it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is
home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I
got a full house and four people died.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT
press? I don't get it... |
