Sandy, hope you enjoy this from THE ONION...
LOS ANGELES--The entertainment
industry is abuzz following the Sony
Corporation's unveiling Monday of the
Utertron 9000, a state-of-the-art in-utero
womb-entertainment system for children
between the ages of minus nine months and
zero.
The Utertron 9000, touted as the first
prenatelevision technology ever developed,
features micro-miniature multi-speaker
SurrounSound, HDTV compatibility and a
luxurious one and one-sixteenth-inch screen. It
will make its official debut Feb. 15 at the
World OB/GYN Electronics Expo in Las Vegas, and is slated to hit stores nationwide by early fall.
"Thanks to the revolutionary new Utertron 9000," Sony vice-president of media relations Grant
Bellows told reporters, "developing fetuses everywhere will soon be able to enjoy the same
high-quality entertainment programming that, until now, has only been available to the post-born."
According to manufacturers, when inserted into the vaginal opening of an expectant mother and
activated using a special belt-mounted power-pack, the Utertron 9000 bonds biochemically to the
uterine wall, providing the developing fetus with a much-needed entertainment outlet during its
months of isolation in the womb.
"Sitting around for all those months with nothing to do, just waiting to be born, can get pretty
boring," said expectant mother Therese Doumanian, who has ordered a Utertron 9000 for her
unborn child. "I sure wish I had one of those when I was developing."
"I want my child to have all the best in life," said a pregnant Helen Kemmerling of Topeka, KS.
"Why should my baby have to wait until passing through the birth canal before getting the little extras
that make life special?"
With more than 4.1 million children conceived in 1998, the under-zero set is one of the
fastest-growing demographics in the U.S. And as the first product to tap into the viewership
potential of this group, the Utertron 9000 is expected to have a major impact on advertisers eager
to tap into the vast gestation-based market.
"The younger you can reach people with your product, the better," said Procter & Gamble
vice-president of marketing John Loesser, whose company will soon launch Crest For Embryos, a
new tartar-control toothpaste that protects and whitens the tiny calcium deposits that eventually
become teeth. "The idea is to foster brand-loyalty among consumers right from the start, and what
better place to do so than in the womb?"
In an effort to attract unborn viewers, the major networks, working in conjunction with top
obstetricians, are developing programming that specifically caters to them. Already in production are
the NBC family drama Mother's Voice and the X-Files-style paranormal drama What Lies Beyond
The Opening?, as well as the made-for-TV movie Umbilicus, starring digitally neotenized versions
of Ted Danson and Jimmy Smits.
Also in the works is an MTV spin-off that will
offer a 24-hour rotation of music videos
accompanied by gently throbbing reddish lights and
heartbeat rhythms. Fetuses will have the additional
option of watching pay-per-view movies, which
they can select by reflexively kicking at a special
controller. Advertising rates will be determined by
Amnio-Nielsens drawn from a random sampling of
amniotic sacs four times a year.
Despite all the excitement, the creation of
programming for the fetal market was not without
its difficulties.
"One of the challenges we faced in reaching
these youngest of viewers was their limited
capacity for sensory perception," said Sony
director of product development Derrick
Kagemoto, "particularly those whose eyes and ears
haven't fully formed yet."
To address this problem, Kagemoto said Sony and the networks have created programming
specially tailored for each trimester of pregnancy, custom-made to appeal to the fetal viewer's
changing physical needs at each stage of its biological formation.
"Now, even the most primitive globule of undifferentiated cells will be able to subdivide while
enjoying the very latest in hot home-entertainment hits--albeit in a highly abstract, preverbal form,"
Kagemoto said. "Sony's amazing technology is developing even faster than our target market's
digestive systems."
In addition to the boon it represents to marketers, the Utertron 9000 offers a host of health
benefits to its users. Sony doctors are recommending the product to all expectant couples as an
effective "head start" to help stimulate the fetal brain.
"In a recent Sony study of pregnant women," Sony consulting therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum
said, "mothers implanted with the Utertron 9000 reported significantly less agitation and kicking on
the part of their unborn children, who were happily engaged with stimulating, enriching TV fare."
Further, Wasserbaum said, test fetuses with access to a Utertron 9000 were born more docile
and cooperative, and less emotionally needy, than those who came to term without one.
"My first three children always wanted to be held," Wilkes-Barre, PA, mother Meredith
Schraeger said. "Little Jared, though, just watches his Utertron all day and night. Even now, two
months out of the womb, he can't seem to bear to part with it. It's almost as if the TV has imprinted
itself on his brain as his sole source of mental and emotional nourishment, and he's incapable of any
sustained human contact. And I don't have to tell you the kind of hassles that saves a busy parent
like me." |
