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Politics : Bill Clinton Scandal - SANITY CHECK -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: JBL who wrote (31528)	2/1/1999 10:22:00 PM
From: Les H	Respond to of 67261

Words Can Hurt Mayoral ombudsman [Ombudsman: as far as we can determine, this word comes from Latin, om, meaning 'all,' 'buds' standing for brewskis, and 'man'… well, for 'man'--thus, 'the man who fetches all the beer.'] David Howard set Washington D.C. in an uproar this week. Howard resigned in disgrace after using the word "niggardly" to describe his budget plan. Critics accused Howard of insensitivity for using "a big word we can't understand." (The word hails from Scandinavia in the 1300s, and means 'to be stingy.') This incident makes clear to the staff of the Bandersnatch that, as we deepen our empathy with our fellow human beings, we must become increasingly aware of the phonetic similarities between heretofore-acceptable words and actual verbal hate-assaults. As Ken Waters, past president of the National "Mostly-Black" Bar Association, pointed out, "Do we really know where the Norwegians got that word? Maybe from taunting the large black underclass in 14th century Norway, hey? And how would another ethnic group react if you came close to the line with a phrase inappropriate to that group?" We stand firmly behind Mr. Waters here, and hope this doesn't make him too jumpy. As our consciousness has been raised by these events, we would now like to alert all Bandersnatch readers to avoid the following 'nearly naughty' words and phrases: No longer should you refer to your clean house as "spic-and-span." "Hispanic-and-span" will do nicely, thank you. "Homo sapien" should be strictly avoided. Free-to-choose-their-own-preference sapien" is preferred. The country "Nigeria" should not be discussed at all, or, when mention is unavoidable, should be referred to as "Slovakia." "Niger"--talk about coming "close to the line"! Jeez! (Oops--our apologies to all Christians.) Anyway, why in God's name (sorry, monotheists) would anyone need to talk about a country whose main resources are sand, flies and camels, except as a way of poking fun? "McDonalds" should be boycotted until they change their name to "Hiberno-AmericanDonalds." Stricter enunciation is called for. No longer will it be acceptable, when asking a friend if he (or she) has had lunch, to slur your words and say, "Jew eat?" Nor should your friend reply, "No, jew?" Also, avoid the end-of-the-work-day parting, "How did your dago?" Golfers' "handicaps" should now be referred to as their "surplus-shots-per-game disorder." The N.Y. Times reports that Mr. Howard is at home "kicking himself" over his blunder. A spokesperson for the National Masochists Association is planning to demand that Mr. Howard resign from his position sitting at home. Howard dismissed their demands, telling reporters, "There are no more chinks in my armor. Oh Christ, did I really say that? I've got to nip this in the bud! No, now I've put my cotton-pickin' foot in my mouth. I mean, I mean… Honest Injun, I don't mean anything by it… Oh my God! This is really spooky! Ah!" © 1999, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern Contributing Editors