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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karin who wrote (1329)	2/7/1999 8:59:00 PM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

To: Karin who wrote (1329)	2/7/1999 9:09:00 PM
From: Mad2	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Why Ask Why? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

To: Karin who wrote (1329)	2/8/1999 7:13:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 2733

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!" Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnnie: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnnie: "81" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face. The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnnie: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old men are comparing their sex lives: Man 1: I can still do it twice! Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most? Man 1: I think the winter.