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Pastimes : The Justa & Lars Honors Bob Brinker Investment Club -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Justa Werkenstiff who wrote (3265)	2/9/1999 4:16:00 PM
From: Boca_PETE	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 15132

Justa and ALL: RE: <Some Light Humor to Get Spirits Up on a Down Day> A husband calls his wife and tells her "Pack your bags; I just won the lottery!" She replies "should I pack for the tropics or ski slopes?" To which he says "I don't care, as long as you're out of the house when I get home!" A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent...A wedding cake. Our sex life has really improved since the wife and I got separate beds.....How's that possible? Well, we have them in different apartments. Lately, it seems like every damn time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out right away. Research has found that most husbands never forget the first time they met their wives. It's not for lack of trying though. A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail for 20 years?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight." Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" "Well ... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well... not exactly....I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead." The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast." "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her." The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?" "Yes," he replied. "Did you kill her?" "Yes," he replied. "It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?" "Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five." The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" "GREAT trade!" I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. I know - I ought to be on the stage. The next one leaves at 4:30pm - Be on it ! P :-)