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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1387)	2/13/1999 10:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

5 Reasons Why Punxsatawney Phill's Job is Better than Clinton's: 1. Phil can't get impeached for working the Gobbler's Knob 2. Phil co-starred in a movie with Andie McDowell and Bill Murray 3. Phil competition includes such losers as: New York City's Staten Island Chuck, Gen. Beauregard Lee of Lilburn, Georgia, Buckeye Chuck of Marion, Ohio., and even a prairie dog, Lander Lil, of Lander, Wyoming 4. Phil can expose himself every year, to thousands of people, and not be held accountable. 5. Phil does not have to deliver a State of the Union address to bump up his popularity.

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1387)	2/13/1999 10:48:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a Piano Player. A scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the bar and told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't too impressed with the looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed the old guy to the piano in the corner. The old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. All talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded. "Hey, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?" "I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long.'" "Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?" The man broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at which time they again gave him a thunderous round of applause. "You're really great! What do you call that one?" asked the bartender. "That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'" He then said, "If you'll excuse me, I'd like to use the restroom." While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting immediately. He returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours." He looked down and noticed the man hadn't quite finished his trip to the restroom... "By the way," he asked him, "do you know your dick's hanging out for all the world to see?" "Know it? I WROTE IT!"

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1387)	2/13/1999 10:50:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Ten years ago, the Muppets disappeared off of the face of Hollywood. After a series of intense investigations, some very startling and disturbing information was discovered. Kermit D. Frog - He now has an exercise video that he advertises on late night television right after Jojo's Psychic bullshit. He is competing with the crazy bitch with no hair and the steroid monkey with the ponytail. Gonzo - He fried his brains on cocaine laced with rancid relish found under Scooter's bed. Gonzo's Chickens - They now work as Playboy bunnies at the Hefner mansion. Miss Piggy - Having lived an extravagant life, she was broke and destitute, so she had to resort to prostitution to support her drug habit and illegitimate half-pig half-frog son. Scooter - After many years as the Muppet show's drug pusher, he finally made it big as a major international drug smuggler, residing in Bolivia. He now frequents the likes of Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccionne. Sam the Eagle - He was brutally murdered in cold blood on stage by a poacher. The Old Geezers - Waldorf bludgeoned his partner to death with his wooden chair out of sheer frustration. For this, he was convicted of murder and fried in the electric chair by judge Ito. Little Robin - He suffered a tragic death, he was the unfortunate victim of a drive-by shooting in the LA. riots. His skin tone was apparently mistaken for the colors of a rival gang. The Crew of Pigs in Space - They were all mechanically separated. You may now find them in tins of SPAM on the shelves of your local supermarket. Animal - Despite his rambunctious image, Animal managed a well- stocked portfolio of blue chip stocks. He obtained a hefty on certain high risk/high gain venture. He may be seen on occasion dining with Donald Trump at The Russian Tea Room in New York. Fozzy Bear - He was forcibly ejected from the Betty Ford Clinic for a severe addiction to polish pickles and deflowering young goats by sodomy. Beeker - After many years of suffering and many, many tubes of Preparation-H, everybody's favorite lab rat, assisted by Professor Honeydew and a large stick, finally died of chronic, infected, bleeding hemorrhoids. Swedish Chef - after having mechanically separated the entire crew of Pigs in Space on the orders of Miss Piggy, the Swedish Chef, being an illegal alien, was deported back to Sweden. In his defense, and we quote, "Bork, Bork, Bork." Ralph the Dog - After years of rumours and denial, on his death bed at the AIDS clinic, Ralph the Dog came out of the closet and admitted to that he was Jim Henson's secret gay lover. The Sax Player - He left the Muppet Show's band to join a religious cult that worships Fabio. The Zucchini Brothers - They had the misfortune of being in their canon while it was being requisitioned by the US. army for Operation: Desert Storm. They were last seen flying over Iraq. Professor Bunsen Honeydew - After having successfully completing an experiment,in total disbelief, feeling that he has lost his touch, he committed suicide by Bunga-Bunga. The remainder of the cast and crew - perished in the explosion of the theater,possibly a practice bomb set by Timothy McVay and John Doe #2. No survivors were found.

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1387)	2/14/1999 12:50:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

The Power of Prayer A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!" (kinda like the NASDAQ last Thursday...)