Subj: WE ALL KNOW WHO!
Date: 2/14/99 5:08:21 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: XXXX XX
To: XXXXXXXX
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
According to a recent survey, German men list _tax_breaks_ as their
primary reason for getting married. Which leaves the rest of us to
ask the obvious question:
"Why don't *we* get those kinda tax breaks here in the U.S.?"
Anyway, for men in the U.S. it's usually some combination of
relationship-oriented motivations that provides the basis for
marriage. And since American men are [apparently] much more romantic
than their German counterparts, our motivations for marriage are
solidly rooted in amour; why, just look at the typical American
male's highly-romantic reasons for considering marriage:
1. The house needs cleaning. Sure, he can do it himself, but it's
a pretty big job when you only do it once a year (or so). Plus, the
house looks so much more romantic when it's clean.
2. The refrigerator needs to be refilled. Yes, he can go grocery
shopping, but it's a real hassle for the standard testosterone-laden,
attention-deficient male, who has trouble looking properly detached
standing in line at the grocery store -- without a beer or a cigarette
in his hand to complete the "look" -- and generally forgets what he's
doing there by the time he reaches the register. Moreover, beer isn't
sold in most U.S. grocery stores, so, accordingly, most U.S. men
don't know where those stores are. Plus, a full refrigerator is much
more romantic than an empty one.
3. The laundry needs to be done. Okay, he can attempt this himself,
but there are two significant problems with men doing laundry:
a. Testosterone poisoning makes men refuse to wear pink underwear
(regardless of the color it used to be).
b. Buying new underwear every time we do laundry can be prohibitively
expensive.
Plus -- clean, properly-colored clothing is very romantic.
4. The "significant other" is pressing for action on the "marriage"
front. Sure, he can try to put off a decision indefinitely, but some
enterprising women have started resorting to deadlines: "Either we
are engaged by [insert date], or I'm outta here." (Otherwise known
as the "love by simple coercion" maneuver.) Faced with the
horrifying prospect of a dirty house, an empty refrigerator, pink
underwear, and having to lift his sagging butt from the couch to
"get [his] *own* damn beer" during the game (or while watching the
Arts and Entertainment channel, depending upon how far he's
progressed along the evolutionary scale), he will usually give in
and decide to take the plunge. Plus, getting married is much more
romantic than wearing pink underwear. (Also, note that most women
will conveniently forget about the "ultimatum" within mere *minutes*
of the proposal.)
See? None of that unromantic "tax break" reasoning here -- just solid
amour. And the romance doesn't end there -- when it comes time to close
the deal, you can bet that the innovative American male will devise
something *totally* original, like hiding the ring somewhere in the
house and leaving a trail of notes directing her to the bounty. And
he'll pick an original day on which to do it, too -- like Christmas, or
Valentine's Day, or her birthday. (A thinly-veiled way to "combine
gifts," BTW.)
Of course, the girl will graciously fail to mention the gross lack
of originality in the presentation -- being preoccupied instead with
how she's going to explain to her new fiancee that *he* wants to
replace the very-thoughtful-but-not-very-romantic cubic zirconia
with a rock large enough to make the Queen Mary list to one side ...
And it is in this spirit of romance that I present to you the official
Male Perspectives on Relationships Collage, with kudos duly awarded
as follows:
Paul, for "Singles' Perks";
Liz for "Why Softball is Better Than Sex";
and Chris, for "How to Spoil a Really Nice Evening."
There you have it, sports fans; let the Games begin ...
- Vince Sabio
HumourNet Moderator
HumourNet@telephonet.com
P.S.--Contrary to popular belief, "dinner" is not a male motivation
for marriage. Now that Domino's delivers in 30 minutes or less,
high-quality food is never more than a phone call away.
____________________________________________________________________
Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________
SUBJ: Singles' Perks
From the book, "The Joy of Not Being Married"
by Ernie Zelinski
* The last cold beer is always yours
* You don't irk anybody when you repair your bike in the bathtub
* The clothes closets are your own
* You can sleep all night with the radio on
* The newspaper doesn't get all mixed up before you get it
* You can sleep diagonally
* There's no conflict if you fall in love with someone else
* All messages on the telephone answering machine are yours
* Life is less predictable
* If you win a trip for two to Hawaii, you can go twice
* You can use all the hot water in the shower
* You can have as many weird friends stay over as you would like
* Silence is golden
* You don't have to claim falsely you aren't married.
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
SUBJ: Why Softball is Better Than Sex (or, "Why I Need to Get a Life")
Apparently by Scott Bobo
* You can play softball as much or as little as you want; YOU get
to decide.
* After an unusually long and difficult softball game you can still
ride your bike home.
* In softball, the other team pays attention throughout, even if
they're done scoring.
* If you have to take a leak during a softball game, you can say
"Excuse me, I gotta drain the swamp," and you don't lose style
points.
* In softball, nobody comments on the size of your bat, as long as
you know what to do with it.
* In softball, you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
* In softball, you don't have to compliment the other team on how
good they look in their new uniforms.
* You don't have to buy the other team dinner to get a game.
* If you get all scratched up in a softball game, you can brag about
it to your wife.
* In softball, if you go a couple months without scoring, your balls
don't hurt.
* In softball, you can play the same team every day for a year and
it's never the same twice.
* You don't mind if your parents come to watch you play softball.
* You can play three, maybe four softball games a day.
* In softball, it's no concern of yours if the other team has had
marital relations with diseased livestock.
* In a good weekend of softball, you can play six or seven different
teams and it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at
the end.
* Playing the wrong softball team won't get you shot.
[Editor's Note: This is not necessarily true in New Jersey. :-) </vs>]
* You can be absolutely certain that, nine months after a softball
game, the other team's lawyers won't call, asking for half of your
pre-tax income for the next eighteen years.
* Rest assured that the other team will not invite you to the
ballet.
* The other team doesn't demand that you shave before the game.
* The other team can smell like road kill and you'll never know it.
* If you don't score in a softball game, the other team doesn't ask
you if you have that problem often.
* No matter how drunk the other team is, they never throw up in your
bed.
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
SUBJ: How to Spoil a Really Nice Evening (version 1)
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce, if the man does not
answer properly--which is to say, dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked
it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be
talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who
feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce
hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way."
[Editor's Note: From this, we can see that any standard male
response is probably incorrect here; for an example, see "Spousal
Tiff" in Collage 143. </vs>]
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