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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:12:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: 3 wishes An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." * POOF * Her rocking chair turns to solid gold, and she is surrounded by buckets of money. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." * POOF * She turns into a beautiful young princess. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- my cat is my best friend. I really love him. Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. * POOF * There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:16:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Service with a Smile A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:23:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: More tech Support A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ************************** Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" ****************************************** Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?"Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" *************************************************************** Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ****************************************************************** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ***************************************************************** Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" *********************************************************** I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ************************************************************* Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." ************************************************************** Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ******************************************************** Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] ******************************************* Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spacehip and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:27:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm] Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official [tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence. 1. Which of our fine products did you buy? __ President __ Vice-President __ Senator __ Congressman __ Governor __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce __ Cabinet Secretary - Other __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) 2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply. __ TV ad. __ Magazine/newspaper ad. __ Shared jail cell with. __ Former law partner of. __ Unindicted co-conspirator with. __ Arkansas crony of. __ Procured for. __ Related to. __ Recommended by lobbyist. __ Recommended by organized crime figure. __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.) __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.) __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple. __ Solicited bribe from me. __ Attempted to seduce me. 3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.) __ Obtain lucrative government contracts. __ Have my prejudices turned into law. __ Obtain diplomatic concessions. __ Obtain trade concessions. __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally. __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels. __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress. __ Forestall military action against self/allies. __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest. __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse. __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse. __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups. __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs. 4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.) __ Performance of currently owned model. __ Reputation. __ Price. __ Appearance. __ Party affiliation. __ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government. __ Blackmail. __ Celebrity endorsement. 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models. __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs. __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model. __ Defect in current model: __ Dead. __ Senile. __ Indicted. __ Convicted. __ Resigned in disgrace. __ Switched parties / beliefs. __ Outbribed by competing interest. Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:30:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. " ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The Cintons took a break and went to Camp David for 10 days. While away, Janet Reno offered to care for the First Parrot named Polly Bird. The pet parrot is not public knowledge because it has a fowl mouth. (Yes, that pun was certainly intended). Janet got irked with it for making fun of her, and accidentially killed it in a fit of childish anger. Worried at what she had done, she went to buy another parrot. She search all of the DC metro area for another parrot that looked like the first one. After two days, she finally found a dead ringer that wasn't dead. Unfortunately, the pet store owner ran a brothel upstairs and would let the parrot sit on the shoulder of the bouncer when he greeted his guests each night. Undeterred (and facing a deadline) Janet paid a high price for the bird and returned to the White House. When Chelsea got back from Camp David, she said "Hi Polly" to the bird. The bird said, "Too Young. Too Young." Hillary came in and said, "Hello, Polly Bird" to the bird. It said, "Too old. Too old." Bill walked in and said, "Hi, Bird." The bird said, "Hi, Bill." ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Edwarda who wrote (1415)	2/15/1999 9:43:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

RELIGOUS BRAS A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the clerk, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," added the clerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The clerk replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The clerk responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."