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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/17/1999 11:51:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Here's a question - Have you ever wanted to enjoy a nice piece of gum, BUT LACKED THE ENERGY TO CHEW IT?!? In today's hectic, fast-paced world, life is a dizzying whirlwind of repetition... Work, family, work, family, work, breakdown, work, family, work, family, breakdown, work, work, work, family, work... Sometimes it can all be so draining, we barely have enough energy to drag ourselves through our soul-crushing daily routine, let alone move our jaws rhythmically! Well, the days of toiling at a piece of hard, unforgiving gum as tears stream down your quivering face are about to come to an end, because-- PRE-CHEWED GUM IS HERE!! That's right! Now, you'll be able to enjoy the sensation of chewing gum without the painful aggravation of applying pressure with your teeth! With PRE-CHEWED GUM, all of the work has been done for you! All that's left for you to do is pop the soft, wet mass into your mouth and enjoy, enjoy, ENJOY!! The magic of PRE-CHEWED GUM starts right here in Bartonville, Louisiana, where young Herman Salvigado chews 15,000 pieces of gum a day, and seals them in tiny plastic cannisters as soon as he removes them from his churning, slavering maw. How does young Herman's mouth produce the saliva necessary to masticate and moisten so many pieces of gum? Simple! Herman is a GLANDULAR MISFIT!!! Born with salivary glands 15 times as powerful as an ordinary human (after all, Salvigado can be rearranged to spell "Saliva God"), Herman can chew, chew, chew, all day long, and pass the benefits of his freakish body chemistry on to you, the consumer! PRE-CHEWED GUM comes in three "After-Tastes": Used-To-Be Strawberry Pre-Slimed Lime Backwash Bubble At only $24.95 per wad-packed cannister, you can't NOT afford to buy PRE-CHEWED GUM now!! To order, simply call 555-555-9432, and ask for Herman. If you can't understand a word he says, don't worry, he's preparing your order!!! You may be asking yourself...PRE-CHEWED GUM?!?! Well, we've got an answer for you...PRE-CHEWED GUM!!! ORDER NOW!!!!

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/17/1999 11:53:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Take a gander at this one - dmhc.student.harvard.edu

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/17/1999 11:58:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." Just log on to HEAVEN'S web page and HELL'S web page and check it out. Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and Bill logged on to heavens web page. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says "Sorry Bill, that was the screen saver"

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/18/1999 2:17:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies: "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies: "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks: "Why six?" The dad replies: "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies: "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....!!

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/18/1999 2:24:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

To: Stephanie M who wrote (1462)	2/18/1999 2:27:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"