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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: EddieMacG who wrote (1590)	2/28/1999 10:43:00 AM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't for the Movies or TV: *********************************************************************** Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Radiation causes interesting mutations-not to your future children, but to you - right then and there - or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops. It's easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, makeup never rubs off - even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But only if you are beautiful. If you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down. All women who are not virgins, have large breasts, and/or display them will be killed in a gruesome manner. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. PSN