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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mad2 who wrote (1592)	2/27/1999 12:14:00 AM
From: Hart	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro- English". In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter! In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer. Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

To: Mad2 who wrote (1592)	2/27/1999 12:20:00 AM
From: Hart	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

To: Mad2 who wrote (1592)	2/28/1999 10:47:00 AM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

LOCAL HUMMOR You can be pretty sure they're from Lanc. County when they: Think Fasnacht Day and Groundhog Day are national holidays. Prefer their pretzels slightly harder than concrete. Say "oops" instead of "excuse me." Have never been to Dutch Wonderland. Are positive the Phillies will win the World Series. Are even more positive Penn State will be Number One. Pronounce "our" as "are." Serve noodles, potatoes, corn, and bread at the same meal--then have pie and ice cream for dessert. Never hang laundered underwear on the outside line. Think pot is a kind of chicken pie. Drive to five supermarkets to get the sale items at each. Know what a woolly bear is. Are inevitably shocked when the woolly bear's forecast turns out to be all wet. Think a real groundhog actually looks for its shadow every year. Know what a whoopie pie is. Dust the steps and sweeps the walk every day. Save aluminum foil, plastic bags, and brown supermarket bags until worn out. Gasp in an Italian restaurant, but inhale deeply when passing a country barnyard. Give you a two pound tomato and apologize for its puny size. Think the best restaurant meals are exactly like the ones they cook at home. Don't grind their teeth when the waitress asks, "What will youse have?" Know that eggs are white OR brown. Don't think of Colorado when someone mentions Denver. Gauge height by the Griest Building. Think the Mississippi is just a little wider than the Susquehanna. Don't turn around to watch a horse and buggy go by. Can talk forever on the joys of sugar peas. Call them "red beets," not just peas. Praise restaurant food by saying, "It was good--it wasn't highly seasoned," all in one breath. Prefer walking or driving a letter to its destination rather than paying the 32 cents to mail it. Don't get lost at the intersection of Route 30 and Route 283. Panic when there's 1/2" of snow on the ground. Can talk about Intercourse without breaking into self-conscious giggles. Think the bagel is a musical instrument. Will order a "side" of potato salad when potato chips come with a sandwich. Know who James Buchanan was. Care who James Buchanan was. Know how to use their elbows in Central Market. Think nothing of seeing manure on the roads. Will pay ANY price for a three-bite heart of Hodecker's bleached celery. Say "that's pretty many cows" or "the meatloafs all" without blinking. Think the government is based on a one-party system. Still think Nixon was a credit to the presidency. Claim to see a robin in January. Thought this was amusing. :) Send it on to your Lancaster County friends. PSN